Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Feeling a little paniced

So I just wrote most of this post and then somehow deleted it.  The second telling will not have my heart in it. 

I have been teetering on the edge of an episode the last few weeks.  Some days are excruciatingly painful with death high on my list of  possible solutions, some days are just bad days. I have been unable to find purpose in my life and given my tendency to disassociate, much of my energy is being spent trying to stay present.  Surprisingly, playing solitaire on the computer has proven to be my "check out tool" lately.  Saying it is my "drug of choice" is a little overdramatic but it is nevertheless essentially the same thing. Since I realized that I wasn't "just playing solitaire", I have been trying to stay away from it but I am finding it surprisingly difficult.  Particularly when I'm alone.  When John is here it is easier to stay present with him although there are still times when I want to just say "Stop talking to me, can't you see I'm in pain over here"  Of course he knows, not always how much but he always knows when things are not good and it breaks my heart because he tries so hard to cheer me up and he wants so desperately to fix it for me. 

I have been trying to keep up with house stuff but as is typical, that - in particular cooking and eating - has proven difficult.  Fortunately, I have been sleeping fairly well so that's one thing I'm not worried about.  Unfortunately, and surprisingly, the lack of bone dragging fatigue has not over come the general lethargy and disinterest.  I have completely lost interest in any art/craft I've been working on.  They all seem pointless - the planning, the work, the assembly, the finishing - of any project seems stupid.  I try to do a little work on stuff every day whether I feel like it or not just to keep moving, going through any motions in order to not lay down and...I don't even know what to call it...dissociate, check out, vegetate  - whatever, I can't do it.  It only makes things worse.  John would call it progress that I can see it happening and be conscious enough to try to stop the downward spiral.  I'm sure he's right (as usual) but that's not making it any easier, or making me feel any better.

I am going to have to find a way to pull it together because John is having his knee surgery on Monday and we really don't know how long he will be off his feet. 

I need something to change.  How many times have I told myself this?  Every time I mean it with all my heart and every time I try to find a way and every time I fail and slip back into this rut.  I'm not sure how many more times I can do this.  I actually made arrangements to do some volunteer work but when the day arrived, I was unable to bring myself to go and be exposed to people, things and places I don't know.  Essentially I chickened out so here I sit writing this and telling myself once I hit "publish" I need to put the computer down and switch the laundry over, fold the load in the dryer and clean out the fridge, etc. and not play "just one game" of solitaire.  Another of my fall back positions which I will employ today is make a list of things we need to do before John's surgery, meal plans, groceries, etc.  A list is always a comfort to me because on paper the list always seems less daunting than when I'm trying to remember everything and it just swirls around in my head. 

Today Spanner, I am not in pursuit of happiness, but the will to live.


  1. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I think the will to live and the pursuit of happiness are one in the same. So take some cheer from that.
    Knowing what hasn't worked means you're nearer to what will. The only thing you have to do is keep going.
    I play Sudoku a little too often, when I should be doing other things. So don't beat yourself up over the solitaire, it's exercising your brain :-)

  2. My computer is my drug of choice,really.
    And I play endless games of Rat Poker. Addicted.

    I wish I could offer something in the way of advice, but I have none.

    I do understand just... giving up, but have never considered doing harm to myself. I have thought that it would just be... easier if I weren't around, but I don't want to leave, either.