Saturday, September 10, 2011

I'm a liar - whining and self-pity ahead

So I decide to let go of all my masks, happy faces, pretenses, let my guard down and now the truth comes out to me and to you.

I hate myself because I wasted my brains and did not live up to my potential.  I'm a smart person (used to be anyway) and I have accomplished nothing.

The reason I'm still breathing is not any promise or concern for the feelings of others, it's because I'm too chicken to commit suicide.  Instead I pray I won't wake up tomorrow or that I will develop a fatal illness.

I resent the hell out of my kids because I feel they have no compassion for me.  If they did they would spend more time with me or they would include me in their lives.

I hate that John is working a second job when I believe that if we buckled down and got our shit together we could manage without that money.

I hate having to walk the dog every single day and I want to find another home for him.  I mean I love him to bits but he just creates more obligation and guilt for me.

I would be perfectly happy to sit and watch t.v. all day every day.

I have been refusing to eat except when John is watching because I don't want to gain that 30 lbs back and go back to being that fat slob I was.  I can hardly drag my ass around as it is.

I have no desire to make any effort to eat better, exercise more, blah, blah, blah...

I feel like a hypocrite when I offer encouraging words to others because the fact of the matter is I have given up on ever being happy.

I am just marking time, going through the motions.

My anxiety is not as bad as it used to be because I just don't care much.

That feeling of being broken is really a lack of  soul.  Don't want to sound dramatic but my body is pretty much an empty shell. 

My so called art is just a way of marking time that requires no energy.

I'm not "afraid" of going up to the spare room and being alone, I'm just too lazy to get up off the couch and walk up the stairs.

The only reason why I do anything around the house is to try and justify the resources I'm using up.

It's over.  Yeah, yeah it will get better but it always gets worse again because I'm empty.  I have no resources left to draw upon.


  1. How can I help? I can listen. I can empathize. I can send cyber hugs.

    I am so sorry that you're in that place right now and I hope you are out of it sooner rather than later.

    And the comments and support you've had for me have been invaluable and I appreciate it more than I can say.

  2. Please please please find help. I know you are getting help, but it is clear that it's not working. Feeling like this can be fixed, believe me I am living proof. When you feel helpless like you do, you need to get yourself in a safe environment. And thinking about hurting yourself, even if you say your too chicken, is unsafe. Please get yourself to your local ER, call 911, ask your Hubs or kids to take you or call a neighbor, but do something to help yourself. Do not let anyone talk you out of going to the ER. That is the best place for you right now.

  3. Hi again. I just reread your last post (before today) and you sounded so upbeat. Can you think of why this has changed?

  4. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there more than you think, but when I remember how you helped and asked for other people to look into my blog and comment, that really touched my heart. I have the same fear as you. Yes, it will get better, but then it will get bad again. That is exactly my predicament, but there is a reason why we are still alive. I am glad you are a chicken ;p
    Lots of hugs!!! And hang on in there!

  5. Hello,

    You once wrote to me that you know how I felt, that I was not alone.

    INdeed you did / do. I could have written all these words, in fact I may have, in my own blog.

    Thank you for your honesty. At least you still have your crafts. It is an escape and as long as you have that escape, there is hope.

    Don't be afarid to speak out your true feelings. Sure it freaks some people out, but it's also cathartic. If you don't release the negative it will just eat you up.

    Take care!

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