I started my art journal. I did a couple of collages with magazine pictures that I had been planning in my head for sometime. Then I decided I would start "The Creative Journal" by Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D. At the very beginning she talks about how in a year of journalling she went from a deep depression to a place where she could see a future for herself. I immediately began asking myself what I had gained from all my years of writing in my journal. I had gained no major insights, my depression was not gone, I haven't even really got to know myself any better. So the first pages of my art journal include a rant about "wasted" time and energy on writing a journal. But at least I didn't write neatly on lines, I "screamed" it out with colored markers and scribbles all around the words. I wondered should I go back and read it all my old journals looking for some kind of meaning. That thought terrified me because I remember how dark many of those days were. So I pretty much froze and began telling myself this was pointless. Blogging, art journals, creativity was all just more wasted time and energy.
When my husband got home from work, we talked about it and with his usual insight he explained to me that "deep depression" does not mean the same thing for everyone. More importantly that the path to wellness does not take the same route or length of time for everyone. My journalling kept me alive really. It's purpose was not to learn anything or to come up with some revelation that would cure me. My journal served it's purpose by giving me a dumping ground for all the despair, self-loathing, guilt, etc., etc. and there was a lot of it. We decided that he would put all the pages in three ring binders. It had to be him because I would start reading the odd page and we knew that would be a mistake. Once he has done that I will tape them shut, wrap them in pretty paper and put them away somewhere. I cannot bear to throw them away because it just feels like a huge chunk of my life is in there and though I am not ready to revisit it, I am not ready to toss it either.
So, the long and the short is that I got stuck. I tried to take some photos but couldn't get any really could ones so I'm reading the manual for my camera. I also got a laptop so I have a bit of a learning curve ahead of me on a few fronts. I have started my journey. It promises to be a little bumpy but I don't find myself afraid of that right now. I hope that some of you will keep me company.