Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Craft Room conundrum continued

Yesterday I sat in front of the t.v. organizing some stuff (green - beads, buttons, ribbon, etc) and wishing I could do it upstairs in the spare room.  When Derek asked me why I don't like being up there, the only answer I could come up with was that it feels lonely.  He likes it up there, the t.v. and the nice window he says.  So the longer I sat here the more I started thinking:  "It's not the room, it's not my life, it's not my family I hate, it's me.  I feel like it's an insult to John and the kids that I'm not happy."  I hope they understand that it's not about them.  C'est moi.  I feel a renewed desire to fix things at least physically around the house.  Tossing, sorting, organizing, storing - you know, the stuff I always fritter away my time on when I should be doing laundry, dishes, walking the dog etc.
Our foster doggie is gone up for adoption.  I really don't miss her but I feel bad for her that she was feeling safe and loved here and then we went and dumped her back at the shelter.  I saw her on the adoption page and I can't bear to go back and see if she's been adopted in case she isn't.  John says he'll check and let me know but that's no good either because I'll know she hasn't been adopted if he doesn't say anything.  I decided I would check at the end of May and just pray that she's not there anymore.  No matter what happens I can't have her here so it's not that I want her back I just want her to have a home and people who love her.  I don't know when I might be ready to foster another one.  I will, I just don't know when.
Max is doing well.  I keep thinking it's so nice to have him back.  He's pretty much back to his old self since our guest left.  He's also running off leash a little every day.  I can't tell you how heartwarming and beautiful it is to watch him run.  He just looks so happy.  It almost makes me want to take up running, almost, but I seriously doubt running would make me that happy and I'm not willing to risk exerting all that energy in case it doesn't.  God forbid I should exert energy with no reward.

P.S.  what does it mean when someone says "I'm not supposed to tell you I saw *** recently"?

1 comment:

  1. Morning,
    so nice to see you posting again. As for hating yourself, well you need to change that. How can others see the real you if you can't. Just don't forget it's taken years for this hate to get under your skin and will take a while to change but it will be worth it.

    Onwards and upwards :-)