Saturday, November 9, 2013

December 26, 1996

I feel like my life is beginning again.  Last year at this time I was in a psychiatric hospital suffering from a Major Clinical Depression.  Feeling suicidal, hopeless, like a burden to everyone I love.  Little did I know that was the beginning, or the end of the worst period of my life.
So much has happened this past year.  I’ve learned so much about Depression, me, my childhood, my children… the list is endless.  Today, as most days now, I feel hopeful about the future, and happy.  All the diary pages full of despair and hopelessness have been shredded and so begins my life as mother, wife and woman.  I can say with all my heart and soul that I love my husband and children unconditionally.
There is still much I have to learn about myself.  From that I will learn to cope with the kids and life’s disappointments.  The one constant is the endless supply of love and support from John.  He has truly saved my life.
I wouldn’t have made it without the love and support of (my mother-in-law) and (my sister) either.  (Friends) have provided the love and support they could.  I always knew they were there if I needed them.  And I know Mom & Dad have done their best.
I hardly remember how and when it all began.  The depression I mean.  I do remember the despair.  The feeling that my life was forever changed for the worse by the children.  I still have difficulty coping but how much they make me laugh!  And loving they are!  Truly my life has changed forever.  But it is full and rich with love and support.  I couldn’t ask for more.
The last two symptoms of my illness:  my weight and an overwhelming dept.  Now, some days, I believe that these too will sort themselves out.
After all the trials and tribulations this family has been through since Derek was born.  We are all better people.  We have brought out the best in our friends and discovered who were false friends.  Most importantly, I am a better person.  More confident, more giving and happier.
And so begins my new life.

What a load of crap.  It’s nice that I was so optimistic.  Reading that now (2011) I can see clearly that I thought I was just about cured and that before long I would live happily ever after.  I suppose it’s a good thing that I didn’t know then what I know now. 

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