Sunday, December 8, 2013

Can't think of a title for this

So I had decided some time ago that I wouldn't only write when I feel like crap.  This post is a bit of both.  Although I have been having some very dark and disturbing thoughts that I don't even want to talk about, in other moments I find my thoughts drifting inexplicably towards optimism.  I have never been an optimist, a dreamer, rather than call myself a pessimist, I prefer to say realist.  Lately in those "other" moments I have found myself thinking that there is no reason that I can't enjoy life.  That despite the money problems which are often of our own making and my inability to work or find the confidence to sell my work, I can still find happiness here and there.
I'm still plugging away at this that and the other thing.  Having John home Mondays and Fridays (he has to use up his holidays) has been extremely helpful.   I've been crocheting hats, scarfs and shrug sweaters, I've been adding the finishing touches to my kimono wall hanging, I've tried framing a few things in frames I've found at second hand stores.  I may only work on one particular thing for a few hours at a time but rotating works for me.  Projects don't get boring and I have been finishing many.  These things are more enjoyable for me now, they don't feel as much like killing time, a distraction, as they did before.
I watched CNN's tribute to heros the other night and at first I felt inspired, like:  "I can do something like that, there are so many causes I really believe in and people I would like to help."  But as the show went on I started drifting into "I wouldn't know where to start", "I can't even get out to volunteer at a place that's already established", "These people are way better, smarter, kinder, more ambitious than I am".  Amazingly, these thoughts did not make me feel depressed, I just thought I am not cut out to start and run some big volunteer effort just the same as I have never been a salesperson or super ambitious.  Even in high school I always just wanted a job that would support me, not a career with big money, power, lots of staff and all that stuff.  Obviously it would be nice to have enough money to not worry, to do somethings we've always wanted to do.  Not there there is much that John and I have dreamed of doing, neither of us has much desire to travel the world.  We'd like to see Vimy, the Grand Canyon, a few NASCAR races but we're not the type to want to see all corners of the earth off the beaten path.  I'm too scared to do that and say what you want about that but I am and there it is. 

Jessica is thinking she would like to go to University and I think that is wonderful.  She and John are very concerned about money but I would rather she graduate with a mountain of student debt and earn a modest living doing something she enjoys, something she doesn't have to drag her ass into every day.  If she really wants to she will find a way and we'll help her as best we can.  I think there is always a way if you aren't too scared to try and I was too scared to try and as time went on I just got more and more scared and here I am.  I'm still very scared but maybe the first step in getting over that fear is to accept that it's there and not to beat myself up over it.  Does it really matter how or when I got here?  I read in a book written by a Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, and one thing that she said comes back to me now.  Something about regardless of the journey (no, not it starts with the first step, although it does) it was about having to start where you are.  I've probably got all that wrong and maybe it doesn't make much sense to you, but I think I have to stop worrying about where I want to be and how I got to where I am and just accept that this is where I am first, before "moving on".  I have to learn to live "in the moment"  just the way it is.  It's funny how you can learn these things, hear them a hundred times, have people tell them to you, explain them to you and you think you understand but then one day, it "really" makes sense.  Sometimes that sense only stays with me a day or two, but it is those days I have to remember and hold on to.  That's what I'm trying to do and instead of pushing the dark thoughts away, because then I have to focus on them, I'm trying to just let them drift away.

1 comment:

  1. I have fears, too. We don't travel even when we might be able to afford it now and then. I am afraid of real things and imaginary ones and it keeps me from doing things. You're not alone.

    And the 'where do I start' thing isn't just you, either.

    Just so you know. :)