Thursday, May 5, 2011

I don't know what I want. Do you?

One of my problems is that I spend a lot of time ruminating.  I never seem to manage to come up with any profound realizations or "a-ha" moments I just spin around in circles.  I mentioned a while ago that I had started "the Creative Journal."  I'm having real trouble doing the exercises.  I read them and I think "That's stupid"  I can't seem to just let my intuition take over.  I have to think about the exercise, plan what I will do and execute the drawing or composition correctly.  Also,  I can't help thinking that doing the exercise is only half the solution.  I think I need some kind of counselor or group situation where I can discuss the results to gain some insight.  I don't think just looking at the thing myself will provide any new information to me.  I know John would help me but I don't think he wants to,  he knows me so well that I think he gets frustrated that I cannot see myself as he does.   I have been relatively unproductive these last few days and have been calling myself all kinds of names - primarily lazy and selfish (my two favourites.)  Then I realized I was a week overdue for my B12 shot and this morning I woke up with a cold.  I got my shot this morning so that should help the cold however - I don't know I am not a pleasant sick person.
The worst part is that I berate and beat up on myself for not doing productive stuff (housework) and feel so guilty for not doing so that I don't do anything I enjoy (tatting, cq) either because that would be even more selfish.   So then I end up watching t.v. which is even less productive.  I honestly don't know what is wrong with me.  I don't work and yet the days seem to slip away from me and before I know it John is home from work and I have done nothing.  I can't imagine how I ever went to work for 8 hours a day although I do remember feeling very confident and competent then. 
Finally, my last complaint for today is the whole social contact\friendship thing.  Most of the time I think it's overrated, an energy sucker but then sometimes I really wish I had someone I could call up and go to a movie with, or sit and chat.  The problem is I don't have patience for chit chat, small talk and "How about this weather?"  There are so many big things going on in each of our lives that real sharing (my sister hates that word) and exchange of woes, rants, complaints, sympathy and advice are the fuel I want from friends. The only people I can really talk to this way are my sister who lives an hour and a half away, and my husband.  Unfortunately you have to build trust for people to tell you these things and I honestly don't know how to go through the initial stages.  Of course the fact that I don't go to work and rarely leave the house except to walk the dog doesn't help either.  Although even when I worked, I made friends among my colleagues but I never seemed able to translate those acquaintances into friendships outside the workplace.  My other sister (I have two) is so good at that.  She seems to have so many friends that she's made at work, conferences, met through other people and that she's had for years.  She has invited me to join her potluck group and I have been and enjoyed them.  I am not always up for a group but they are very nice and ask her about me when I don't go.  However, they all have jobs and lives and again how do you translate a once a month potluck acquaintance into a friend?  I don't think I have social anxiety just social awkwardness, you know that dork in the corner? That's me.

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