Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The guilt post

I feel guilty that I was so depressed I missed much of my children's babyhoods.  I don't remember much from when they were little.  To me, that means I must have been emotionally absent and neglectful.  My husband says I wasn't and often played with them and read to them etc.  It's just that I know there were no trips to the park to play with the neighborhood kids, I didn't really volunteer at their schools, I didn't stay on top of them with their schoolwork the way I should have.  I could go on and on.  Now they are 17 (on Saturday) and 18 and I wish we were closer. There is no doubt for any of us that we love each other I just we wish we all made more of an effort to do things together.  John has two jobs and is tired much of the time, the kids both have school, work and friends.  I would like for all of us to put family time higher on the priority list.

Next- Max is my dog.  No one in this house will try to deny that.  I wanted a dog I said I would take care of him and I do.  However, if he misses a walk I feel miserable with guilt.  I even feel guilty if someone else in the house walks him because a) it's inevitably a shorter walk and b) I'm supposed to be the one who takes care of him.  I also feel guilty that I don't spend more time with him.  He gets attention and love whenever he asks for it but I should spend more time playing with him and training him. 

I feel guilty that I don't cook dinner more often.   John works long hard days as it is.  Enough said.

I feel guilty that I don't keep a cleaner house.

I feel guilty that I don't work and therefore my only financial contribution is my CPP which is pretty pathetic really.  ( I don't know how anyone could live on it alone)  I was earning good money when I met John and now he's stuck with another dependent.

I feel guilty that I am not the fun-loving, confident wife and mom that I could have been.

I feel guilty that I spend time, money and energy on crafts that I don't do anything with.

I feel guilty when I get angry or upset with John because he soooo did not sign up for what he got and yet we are still married and he is still as supportive and patient as ever.

To end on a positive note:
Despite all of this guilt I can honestly say that I am truly grateful for all of the good things in my life.  I believe that I am as entitled to be as happy as the next guy (woman) I just have to work a little harder at it.  I am not a person who thinks she doesn't deserve to be happy or to be loved.  For sure I know I am loved, I just don't always understand why.


  1. Boy do I know these feelings. I try really hard to challenge the one's that are unreasonable. For example the house being clean. If I have the energy, it will be clean. On days where I don't, sometimes it slides. I don't choose whether I have energy or not--so why feel guilty about something I can't really control? Of course, it's easier said than done.

  2. After I read this through again I felt kind of ashamed because there are so many of those things I can change. Then I feel guilty for not fixing things so I don't have to feel guilty. It seems I spend a lot of time running in circles!