Turns out I'm a people pleaser.

I have never considered myself a people pleaser.  I just knew I had low self-esteem, tried very hard to do well (school, jobs etc.), needed other people to confirm that something I said, did or made was good and tried my best not to get noticed.  "Running in Circles" was kind enough to send me a link to an article about people pleasing.  Initially, I didn't think it applied but figured she must have seen something in my post so I read it.  Well, I'll be darned.  Here's how they describe people pleasers and I have crossed out the ones that don't apply:

Very organized; easily liked; placators or appeasers; friendly and gregarious; helpful and supportive; courteous and considerate; always smiling; interested in others’ welfare; cooperative—“team players”; generous with time and energy; ready to volunteer; accept delegation easily; “company men”—very loyal; work hard at pleasing others; talented, skillful, and creative; happy, joyful, full of fun; encouraging and reassuring; readily accommodate others’ requests; “together,” warm, and caring; sought out for friendships—popular socially.

This really surprised me.  For the most part the ones I've crossed off are a direct result of my depression.  So, obviously, I kept reading and the author talks about the price people pleasers pay.  Once again, I quote the list:

Loss of integrity, identity, self-respect and self-esteem; constant self-criticism and self-belittlement; nagging sense of guilt and shame about not really being "good enough" for others; chronic insecurities in personal interactions (for they're feeling okay is so conditional and dependent on others' approval); inability to sustain healthy relationships with healthy boundaries; inability to trust, accept or perceive as heartfelt others' kindness or positive feedback; difficulty or inability to manage, lead or supervise others (for fear of offending--or displeasing--them); inability to effectively control their time, whether at work or at home (mainly because of problems saying no to others' requests); inability to stay with or accomplish personal goals (because they're not a high-enough priority for themselves); inability to make decisions; and--ultimately--burnout, whether at work, home, or both (partly because people-pleasers don't know how to relax--or don't feel they can let themselves relax--and partly because they're forever driven to prove their worth to others, such that not constantly doing something triggers in them anxiety or guilt).

O.K.  so now I'm really interested.  I have to qualify the items I crossed off.  I don't think I have an inability to sustain relationships, I think I just don't really have the energy for friendships.  The fact that I feel sustaining relationships requires a great deal of energy says alot on its own don't you think?  Secondly, I have no problem saying no to other people's requests,  sometimes I say yes when I don't want to but then I just don't do the thing and rarely feel bad about it. Finally,  I am quite capable of doing nothing and do not feel driven to prove my worth.  I can't relax though because I feel like I should be doing something productive, for me that means household chores. 

Another thing that really stuck was the whole loss of identity thing.  I have pretty much always tried to do what was expected of me.  When I became a wife and mom I was supposed to start making some decisions on my own.  What?  I can't do that, what if I make the wrong choice?  I have enough guilt (that'll be post of it's own)  without taking responsibility for decision making.  I spent a good couple of years taking every cheesy and scientific personality test and quiz I could get my hands on.  I kept hoping one of the results would tell me how I'm supposed to behave.  "Be yourself"  never really meant much to me but I am definitely making progress on that front.

Part three of the article talks about how to overcome the whole thing.  This list is requiring a great deal more thought for me so I will post about those as they make sense to me.

Thank you so much  "Running in Circles "  Learning something about myself is always a big step forward in my  struggle and you have absolutely taught me something today.