Friday, July 22, 2011

More babble

I really wish I had something witty and insightful to write about but I don't.  I'm coasting.  I read all sorts of blogs and the writing is so good.  Some funny, some insightful, many very eloquent.  I find myself leaving comments that don't really sound like me but I'm not sure if that's real or if I'm faking it in real life.  I am a compassionate and insightful person but I find that those qualities are often not as appreciated in real life.  Even in writing comments I worry that I sound fake but I'm writing the truth of how I feel. I know for sure there was no place for compassion, sensitivity or insight when I was growing up.  Maybe that's what I'm hanging onto as a grown up. 

Often if I have something meaningful to say to Jessica, I say it on facebook.  I can say that I hardly see her for any length of time which I don't, or that it's in response to a comment or status which it usually is but I still think it's a little weird.  Truth be told I have always been able to express myself easier in writing.  I would far rather write a letter, blog post or diary entry to let someone know how I'm feeling than to have a conversation.

I think that's why I'm more comfortable in group therapy.  Somehow it seems more anonymous than sitting across from someone who is completely focused on me.  Suddenly every word becomes hard to spit out.  Unfortunately, I still can't find an appropriate group.  There is an informal group for people who suffer from depression and I have marked the dates on my calendar and planned to go on more than one occasion but I always chicken out because I'm afraid that a) there will be too much focus on me as the "new kid" or b) that because everyone else already knows each other and I will be ignored.  Rationally, I know this is ridiculous.  I have created a no-win situation for myself which is why I'm still reluctant to go.  The other reason I haven't gone yet is the whole "informal" thing.  I don't know exactly what that means but I'm assuming it means that there isn't a therapist type moderator.  That creates the image of a social gathering which is totally not what I'm looking for.   As usual, I have a million reasons why I can't take a step forward.

I recently read a post or comment somewhere about people being broken.  I've felt that I'm broken for quite sometime.  I believe that's why I can't get past the self-loathing, I think there is something deep down inside of me that is irreparably busted.  I'm sure I've talked about this before and I don't want to bore anyone, nor do I want to leave the impression that I'm feeling particularly down.  I'm just broken and can't be fixed, simple.  So much easier than examining what may be the truth.  I have no deep dark secrets, no history of abuse, no repressed memories have surfaced, so I can't imagine what that truth might be.

All I really want is to wake up refreshed and have the energy and motivation to tackle what has to be done and challenge myself with new things.  I can't help but wonder if the anti-depressants are keeping my mood stable but sucking the life, the passion, the zest for life out of me.  Having said that I'm far too scared to try getting off them or lowering the doses, in fact, I've been considering going to the GP to ask her to increase them.  What I would really like is some kind of legal, non-addictive speed but I don't think she has that in her magic box of pharmaceuticals.


  1. Hi there, I think some bloggers are writers; or they could be professionally. I have some past issues (some 10 or more years old) that I must try and get over. They drive me crazy! I also get very bad anxiety and panic attacks. I told my dr and she wanted to increase my dose. I am finally going to a counselor (I have never been--I use to drink(some might say too much) Also,I understand about feeling broken. Anyhow, thats the most I ever wrote about my stuff on blogger.
    On another note, I sent you an email to say Thank you!!! Hugs, Kim

  2. Hope some of that made sense, I wrote, erased and then read it...not exactly what I was trying to say.

  3. I've a hard time with that word broken. I know, who asked me. I think wounded is a better word because when you are hurt physically the healing begins right away. I don't see you as a broken person anyway, and believe most all of us can heal. I've found myself intimidated by some new people who read by blog who are quite intelligent, but I keep telling myself to just be myself and yet feel like the dumb kid in the back of the class.
    btw, The groups I've been in have always had therapists as the facilitator.
    I find your blog to be one of my favorites by far, and I think that is because I get a sense of who you are when you write and you feel "real". Others probably share that sentiment.

  4. I enjoy your writing because it is real, from the heart, and you say it naturally, I too question my writing, thinking I sound thick, or immature, or I should be writing more 'eloquently', but I don't, writing is a pleasure, it mends, it lets it out, perhaps if we are feeling crap, we can say it without the language police onto us. I enjoy reading blogs that are down to earth, yes, many with depression, etc, but underneath and between the lines, the person 'comes out' who they want to be, fighting in the writing to get it out of the system. It comes out on paper or in a blog, unfortunately mending the inside bits that have that sodding black dog gnawing at it, isn't as easy, and to your lady with the comment, don't feel like the dumb kid! Let's enjoy our writing, and keep it going. We are after all all supporting each other because we understand, rather than those who get their knowledge from a book and then try to tell us how we should be feeling ... ho hum .... sorry, I do waffle much too much too, but it helps!!

  5. My concern about my own writing has not been so much about it's eloquence as about its depth. I write what I'm thinking or worrying about and sometimes it seems like it might bore people because I have no great insights or wisdom to offer. Your comments have reassured me and I remind myself that I started this blog for me, not for followers, to become famous or anything else. I'll keep writing and if you keep enjoying and commenting so much the better. Thanks.

  6. "no deep dark secrets". I struggled to learn to read as a child and needed additional help to try and catch up. I managed after a fashion and developed other skills to help compensate. So I never thought it was a problem. A short course of therapy showed however that I still to this day (and I'm 53) see myself as not as bright as others despite lots of evidence to the contrary. It doesn't have to be a "dark secret". The fact you are blogging and searching for answers would suggest you are far from broken but just adding some rather intricate icing to a wonderful cake.

    Best wishes Spanner.

  7. Re: comments you are leaving on other blogs. I appreciate the comments you have left on my blog. I don't think any of them have sounded fake.