Thursday, September 8, 2011

A bit of rambling

I first want to thank everyone for their suggestions and advice.  I am truly and carefully considering all of it and am slowly working in what I can.  I'm also grateful for the assurances that there are others who have the same fears and worries and troubles that I do.  (specially the whole spare room thing because I find that very embarrassing)

I received a lovely invitation from one of the potluck ladies to attend a cooking demo/class at our local grocery store every Tuesday.  She picks up a friend in my neighbourhood so if I want to attend all I have to do is call and let her know I would like to go with them.  There is no commitment and no pressure, she's going anyway and I can call her at the last minute if I decide I want to go.  I'm going to make a concerted effort to go at least once or twice a month.   God knows I could use the cooking instruction and I know it will do me good to get out of the house even though I feel quite safe and comfortable here.

I am making a concerted effort not to be too hard on myself.  That's really hard but I have to start considering what I did get done and not what I didn't.  I need to stop worrying about what I'm doing around the house.  For all intents and purposes, I am living with three grown ups and if I don't get to something, they are all quite capable of doing it themselves (yes, that means you Jessica and Derek).  I do what I can when I can.

Second, I have been getting up out of bed as soon as I conclude that I'm not going to get back to sleep.  Even if that's 4 or 5 a.m. and I still feel tired.  I'm finding this helps because if I can't sleep anyway it just becomes frustrating and I keep getting more tired but unable to sleep.  This way, I just get up and do whatever I can, even if it's just watching t.v. because I don't want to wake anyone else up.  Then when I'm really tired I nap.  I also have been trying to get to bed and the same time every night.  That means going to bed even when John has to pick the kids up at 11:00.  So far he has not slept through which just goes to show that yes, he is a grown up and he doesn't need me to make sure he wakes up in time to pick them up.  I can't really tell if he's a little resentful or not about me going to bed earlier when he has to stay and he has to get up early.  That's good because it means that either he isn't or he's trying hard not to show he is.  Oddly enough, even though I have been getting up earlier, I haven't been napping every day.

Since the weather has been better (cooler) I have been letting myself off the hook when it comes to walking Max.  Instead of having to drag my ass out there first thing everyday, on the not-so-good days, I wait until I feel like going.  Before, that would mean I wouldn't go at all, now that means we may go a little later but at some point during the day, I usually get ready and go without too much trouble. 

A lot of my energy was being used up by pretending to be o.k.  I can't do that anymore.  It's not my job to make sure people (John and D and MIL mostly) don't worry about me.  I have made my promises not to commit suicide (good thing too because D said if I did she would drag me out of my coffin and kill me).  Beyond that I make no promises and put on no faces.  It is not John's fault that I'm not happy, it's not my life that makes me unhappy and John knows that so I don't need to expend what little energy I have to try and convince him that everything is hunky-dory.  I am always so afraid that he thinks I regret marrying him and having kids.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  What I regret is becoming depressed.  It's not about anyone else and what they did or didn't do, it's about me and my illness and though I refuse to pretend I'm all better, I also refuse to dwell on it.  I want to accept that it is what it is and I have to be grateful for every good moment and accept the not so good moments for what they are.  Acceptance, letting go, patience, trust and non-striving.

No word from Dr.F so I guess my bloodwork is all good.  I'm due for a B12 shot so I'll ask when I go in for that just to be sure.
Waiting to hear from specialist for appointment regarding the whole sleep thing.
No dinner with DE, don't know if he didn't come or didn't have time but I'm assuming it's one of those and NOT that he didn't want to have dinner with me.

Thanks again for all the comments, they mean more to me than I thought they would and they affirm that I made the right choice to blog instead of starting yet another journal full of self pity and misery.  You all are keeping me honest.


  1. Wow, you sound so healthy Jojesek. Do you think it is because you're trying harder and have come to some realizations, or because of the meds?