Sunday, September 4, 2011

Getting out of a rut

I want to paint a wall or buy a new couch or something.  I spend so much time in the house that I need some kind of boost, change of scenery or boot in the ass.  John, of course, says spending money won't do it but it's not about spending money, it's about making a change.  I'm sure there are changes I can make to the house without spending money but I'm not sure what they are.  I've pretty much decided I am going to take at least a portion of the spare room and set myself up with a work table in there.  Of course, that means that I'm going to have to find a way to overcome my discomfort about being up there alone.  It's silly really because there is a t.v. here, there is a t.v. up there; there is a couch here, there is a couch up there; my computer is down here, it's a laptop so I can take it up there.  It drives me crazy that I can't get past this stupid, stupid block.
Re-arranging furniture is one of my favourite past times but there are only so many ways you can arrange the same furniture in the same room, hence the brilliant idea of buying a new couch.  That would only want me to stay down here even more, not to mention that there is no money for a new couch.  The last time D was here we re-arranged the living room a little and it hasn't done a thing for me.  New couch or rearrange what we have?
Maybe I should try to be less organized and see if a little chaos would shake things up for me.  At the same time, I think if I set up some kind of schedule for myself where I read blogs and posted at a certain time every day, and a certain time for art, a certain time to start dinner etc. that I might be able to change things up a little by trying to force myself into change.  Chaos or schedule?
The hot weather is finally starting to abate which means that I don't have to get up and immediately walk the dog before it gets too hot.  This is also ridiculous but sometimes it feels like walking Max then showering and trying to eat something uses up my whole days worth of energy.  Then I spend the rest of the day reading (blogs or books) and/or watching t.v. then there is the obligatory nap in the afternoon and boom John's home from work and I feel like I should spend time with him.  That's when I do most of my stitching, while watching t.v. with John.  I've considered hiring a dog walker but that seems retarded when there are three other able bodied people in the house.
As you know, D just got home from by brother's place in PEI.  She said she would try to come up this week (maybe for that dinner thing - which I will attend and try to put the past behind - if it happens).  Dinner or not, if she does come I was thinking about going back to her place with her for a week.  I know I would have a good time and it would be a great change of scenery but I'm not convinced that it would change anything when I got home.  Get away for a while or stay home?
I know that John would give me a push if I asked him to though he doesn't like to because too often I get annoyed with him thinking he just doesn't understand how hard it is for me.  Then I start questioning whether it's fatigue, depression or if I really am just too lazy to do anything.  Get an outside push or find it inside myself?  So far finding it inside myself has been spectacularly unsuccessful.
I once again considering finding a part time job.  Something I am forced to commit to and follow through with.  One thing I know about myself for sure is that I have a very strong work ethic and if I know what's expected I can usually do it.  It's when I don't have deadlines that things slow down.  Self imposed deadlines don't work - been there, tried that.
How do you get yourself motivated? out of a rut?  Anyone have suggestions for me?


  1. I'm the same way with needing a deadline. It sounds to me like you're plain old bored, but I guess that can come from depression. I think a part-time job is a great idea because it forces you to get out and to talk with people, and gives you a routine. The thing is they're hard to find.

  2. I just go out and be among people. And I read my Bible. Both really help tremendously.

  3. I don't have advice exactly.. but getting out is always helpful, even if it's a walk down to the corner of the block. Or take a camera and walk all the way around the block and try to take at least three unusual pictures.

    Look online for something you've always been curious about. And then find someone to talk to about it.

    A job is a good thing unless you find one you really hate. Which I suppose can also be good, since that can be instructive, too.

    Paint a wall! a small can of paint isn't that expensive...and you can do it every week if you really want to.


  4. First...I am so glad that I found your blog and that you found mine.
    Ok here goes (note...I am not a doctor, but have been thru it all and am very educated on this subject)
    Yes you are depressed. You are not lazy. do you have trouble concentrating, do you feel overwhelmed when you do even the smallest things? You asked if you are depressed or fatigued or lazy. You are fatigued because you are depressed. Believe me I have been there, those are classic signs of depression. If you didn't suffer from depression then maybe you might be lazy, but I dont think you are.

    I would definitely go see your doctor, it seems that if you are having these symptoms then your meds are not working. If they were you'd feel better than you do now.

    For now you need a shirt term plan of action, don't make a ton of plans to do each day. Make a list of a couple of things you want to do each day. You walk the dog, and maybe put on the list to cook dinner or something like that. Then celebrate each thing you did, remember every step is a victory, no matter how small it is. The rest of the day try to change up your activites every 30-45 minutes or so, then it will seem like you did a lot that day. But the main thing is to take the pressure off of yourself and try to see the positive things you did instead of the things you didn't do.

    As far as not feeling safe upstairs, let that go for now. I was going to move my sewing studio into the boys room and felt uncomfortable all alone during the day in the back of the house. So I moved ,y sewing table back imto the living room. I did use the boys room for storage of all my quilting supplies so things are a little more straightened out now.

    Also have you read any books to help you thru this? There is a wonderful book called The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr Dabid Burns. He is the 'father' of congnitive behavioral therapy, which is what you need. It's a workbook where he gives you tools to help you talk back to your negative feelings. I recommend going thru that book. My therapist recommended it a few years ago when I first went to her and I am now going thru it again.

    So to recap...
    See the doc for a meds adjustment, if your meds are working you shouldn't feel this way.
    Make a small to do list and celebrate every step, think of it as a victory.
    Get that book and start going thru it.

    Please keep in touch, you know where to find me.

  5. Oooppss please ignore all the typos in the above post.

    The name of the dr who wrote that book is Dr David Burns. I think the rest of the typos you can guess.