Sunday, October 9, 2011

A Change of Scenery

I'm going to be spending a few days with D.  I'm looking forward to spending time with her as always, but it brings some anxiety too.  Leaving the safety of my home, being away from John and worrying that Max will be confused by my absence and maybe not getting walked everyday are the most obvious of the anxiety provoking issues.  Others are more subtle and not quite as easy to put my finger on.  I tried writing it out and examining how I can over come the issues (i.e. missing John - I can call him at anytime and if it comes to it, I can come home at any time also)  somethings just aren't that easy to rationalize and even when you can rationalize them, it doesn't necessarily make the feelings go away.

I'm feeling determined to create a real studio space when I get home.  I will paint and organize the spare room and I will use it to actually create some stuff I can be proud of.  This determination and desire always comes on me when there is a real reason I can't do it.  When I get home and have the time, I really hope the desire will stay with me. I am still trying to find ways to keep my motivation and to keep the procrastination at bay.

I think that changing my "self-talk" or whatever the hell it's called is the key for me right now.  If I can convince myself that I can change then I will.  That sounds incredibly obvious but as most of you know it's not that easy.  I'm beginning to question again if I can do it alone or if I need a therapist.  One that provides more concrete advice and teaches me techniques as opposed to the endless talking about how I feel.  I have always been able to learn and study very well, unfortunately this type of learning requires so much more to come from my head than from books and I'm afraid I'm not up to the job.  I haven't given up already, I fully intend to work through the "The Feeling Good Handbook",  I just think it's going to be really hard and I'm scared that I will be unsuccessful in changing my negative thoughts.  I'm convinced this is what is necessary, crucial in fact to my survival.  I'm hoping that a change in scenery will perhaps be an opportunity to start that change in thinking and begin to develop some new, healthier habits.

Wish me luck!


  1. I'm so glad you will be gong thru the book. Will you be following along with me and the anxiety group?
    It sounds like you are doing a good job at talking back to your negative feelings. Understanding our anxieties and learning how to talk back to them a really good way to stay healthy.
    Proud of you!

  2. I relate so much to the things you say and at times think nothing will ever change, but I know it does. Now is just one of those harder times. If I could afford it I would see a therapist. Definitely!