Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm really good at...second guessing

For the last week or so I have been setting my alarm for 7:30.  I listen to the news on the radio and then do a guided meditation on cd that I downloaded from the internet.  I downloaded a bunch of (free) meditations and have been trying some.  Some I like some I don't but nevertheless, I find that I have been feeling a little more motivated around the house since I started doing this. 

I have been able to get more done in the day and I have tackled some projects that I have been meaning to do for a while (haven't actually finished any but hey, baby steps right)   Yesterday something really strange happened.  My legs started to hurt.  My thighs hurt as though I had overexercised (which God knows will never happen). So much so that I was having trouble walking.  I'm convinced that it was some kind of unconscious self-sabotage.  I tried to talk myself out of the pain because I'm convinced it's psychosomatic  but it wouldn't go away.  I massaged, I tried a hot bath with Epsom Salts, I stretched, John massaged which helped some, I tried A535 (which John went out to get for me), I tried the heating pad (which John got for me) also helped some, but the pain would not go away.  At bedtime I took some Robax (Wal-Mart brand, much cheaper) and I slept well. So did feeling better set me back?  Am I afraid of getting well?  I find myself constantly second guessing every mood, mood change, twinge, pain, headache, etc. and wondering if I'm bringing it on myself somehow.  Who knows,  my legs are still stiff but not as bad as yesterday.  I'm just plugging along doing my best whatever that ends up being.

Sometimes I get a perverse pleasure out of reading blogs of people who are not doing very well because I'm doing better than them.  I do feel guilty about that but don't we tell ourselves "it could be worse"?  Sometimes those very same posts get me thinking that maybe I'm ok now but just wait, I'll be back there eventually.  So do I carry on reading them or do I ditch them all in favour of light hearted, funny blogs.  I can't seem to let them go.  I think it's part waiting, hoping and praying that those bloggers will get better and part of that whole can't take your eyes off a car crash thing.  I also find that some people don't post as often when they are feeling better.  I suspect they are getting on with their lives.

Then there's the inspirational stuff.  Sometimes it pumps me up and sometimes it just sounds ridiculous and impossible.

The first of the twelve steps in AA is to admit to being powerless over alcohol—that your life has become unmanageable (according to Wikipedia).  So is there a parallel here - that I am powerless over my moods and I have to learn to manage them as they come?  Or does this not apply at all?  Do I have the power to change my mood through positive thinking, exercise or something - anything?  Is admitting I'm powerless over my moods defeatist?  Is it giving up or is it the first step to taking control?

One thing I know I'm really good at...second guessing myself.


  1. This is interesting but very informative post. thanks for sharing your well guess.

  2. I think we do have the power to control our moods. It's just tracing back the route that any particular mood took, that's the difficult bit. I want to do better and having read your blog know you do to. I think I've reached a bit of a plateau recently. Answers don't come as easy as they did. Time to step things up abit.
    I have a lot of unfinished projects. By not finishing them they won't disappoint me. So I'm making a bit of an effort in that area. If they don't end up the way I imagined then I can try again but finishing is the important bit I need to concentrate on.
    Have a good weekend :-) regards Spanner.