Sunday, November 27, 2011

Waking Up

Most mornings, I wake up in a "mood".  I know it is influenced by how well or poorly I slept, whether I was woken up during the night by kids, the dog, neighbours whatever.  Sometimes, though I can't really pinpoint what it is that creates the mood but it's usually pretty distinct, the mood that is.  Some mornings I wake up feeling like I can do all kinds of things, some mornings I wake up feeling as tired as when I went to bed, sometimes I wake up feeling like I just want to stay in bed till bedtime and start over again the next day, sometimes I wake up just feeling like I want to cry for no apparent reason.

Me being who I am, I am writing today because it's one of those mornings when I want to cry for no apparent reason.  I apologize for my habit of posting mostly when I'm feeling badly but that's when I need to write the most.  I'm feeling overwhelmed, discouraged and sad.  Nothing is really different than it was yesterday, I slept as well as I normally do (which is not very well) but it is what it is.  Let me try to list what's bugging me and then in honour of Spanner, I will try to come up with something(s) positive.

I want to foster a dog, but we are out of black ink so I can't print the application.

I have a sneaking suspicion that no one else in the house wants to foster a dog.

Max's pool and crate are still outdoors and when I open the garage door to put them in, I can't even step inside the door.

If I'm going to foster a dog I have to bring the crate in (and it's large) to give it a good cleaning and I don't know where I can do this.

I asked John to figure out how much money we had to spend on Christmas, to give me a budget, and he hasn't.  I'm feeling a little frustrated that he doesn't seem interested in trying to get our finances under control.

Since I don't know how much I can spend, I don't know what I can get for the kids.  A gold chain appears to be out of the question for Derek.  I had no idea how expensive gold jewelry is!  What I want to get for Jessica (I don't want to say here in case she's reading) is not as expensive as I thought it would be but I'm concerned if we don't get it soon, they will be sold out.  This is adding some stress to the distress I already feel about Christmas in general.

John has need new work boots for weeks and has been wearing the same winter coat for as long as I can remember (definitely before the kids were born).  He absolutely refuses to look for a new coat and he keeps saying he's going to get boots but hasn't yet.  Oh yeah, he also needs a haircut - badly.

I'm supposed to be going to D's this week but I'm torn about it which is really unusual.  The only thing I can think of that's creating the indecision is that I don't want to leave Max and I want to be able to shop for the kids gifts while I'm there but it's not looking like that's going to happen (see above).  On the other hand, I figure between the two of us, we might be able to whip up some Christmas spirit - maybe.

Jessica has quit her job, owes me $35, borrowed $20 last night, wants new boots and a new coat AND...AND she doesn't get why not having a job is a big deal because, and I quote "I know lots of people my age who don't have a job" and "how long is it going to be before I get another break from working so I might as well enjoy it now".  She still seems unable to get up and get to school on time unless there's a field trip she wants to go to.

Derek appears to be becoming more and more vague about where he's going, who he's going with and how long he's going for.  I received a call from a detective with the youth division of our local police regarding an incident I knew nothing about.  Since he's only seventeen, we should have been called when it happened but we weren't.  The call came as a shock and although he wasn't arrested, he could have been and when I spoke to him, he said he thought they (he and his friend) were going to jail.  This however has not prevented him from the vagueness, the being late coming home, the being late for school.  The other day I caught him coming in at 3 a.m. and to my question "W.T.F.?" he responded "I'm not just getting home now, I was home before and went out to chill with S."  Where on earth could he have gotten the idea that a curfew is the "first" time you get home and not when you come home and stay home?  You guessed it, he had no response.

So now Spanner, I am going to try to be positive.

John is going to be home from December 10 to January 9.  He has to use some of the holidays he's accumulated because he can't carry them all over to next year.  He will have to work a couple of weekends at his second job but that's ok.  I'm hoping to get a bunch of stuff done around the house, little stuff mostly but for sure to clean/clear/organize the garage and basement.

The weather has cooled off nicely which makes it such a pleasure to walk Max.  We've been going longer and farther than we have in a long time.  He's getting alot more off leash time than he has been and watching him run is such a joy.

I have been doing some re-arranging of furniture and stuff (with John's help obviously) and I'm pretty happy with the way things are working out.  I've still got some things I want to do but I'm working on it and making progress.  I'm torn between having the minimum amount of furniture and "stuff" in the living room, spare room and our bedroom and on the other hand having some photos and art on the walls.  No knick-knacks though, I mean we have some that I don't want to get rid of but can bring myself to drag out and "display".  It seems like too much clutter and dust at this point.

I completed crocheting a blanket that I started years ago.  It's blue, white and gray which were going to be the colors in our bedroom but now I want red and grey/silver in the bedroom so the blanket will go under a comforter instead of on top.  Nevertheless, I'm quite pleased with the result and at some day I will treat you to a picture of it.  There are some other things I want to show you pictures of and at some point I'll dig the camera out, take the photos, load them via the desktop and then post them using my laptop (just want you all to know how much trouble I go to to provide you with photos and why I don't post them real often)

Me, my kids, my husband and my dog are physically healthy.

Jessica has broken up with her boyfriend.  I think it's been really tough for her but I am so proud of her because despite the fact that it's been tough she's done it and it was the right thing for her to do.

Derek had grades above the class average in all three of the courses he's taking this semester.

P's boyfriend gave me a hat with built in earphones so I can stay toasty warm while walking Max and listening to my walkman.


  1. So how difficult was the positive bit to write lol :-) I'm warming to Distracted Derek. He sounds like the perfect teenage son. Good grades but a constant worry when you can't see or hear him.

  2. I'm reading and nodding about waking up 'in a mood'. I do it all the time. Strangely, it doesn't seem to matter what happens during that day, either. If I wake up in a good mood, and then all sorts of crap happens... crap that would ruin anyone else's day, I just go on, smiling and cheerful and everything's fine.

    I wonder if I'm nuts.

    And I can always find something positive. But the positive things aren't the things that bother me/that I need to talk about.