Friday, January 27, 2012

What's with me and anger?

Lately I haven't been sleeping too well and I know that generally makes me quite weepy and testy.  Recently it's been mostly testy.

The other day, can't remember which one, I spent a good part of the day crying or sleeping.  The last three or four days I've been dozing off while reading, watching t.v. or just when I'm only planning to take a little break from what I'm doing.  I'm still making progress in the projects I have started....However:

My enthusiasm may have gotten the better of me because I have a number of projects started and the materials I have pulled out to work on them has become a little overwhelming.  This, in turn, has created a need yet again for me to try and re-organize a little.  I found two sets of rolling drawers on Kijijii (at a most excellent price) which would be excellent for keeping my shit together and more or less out of sight in the living room but in seems I was a little too late and they have been sold already.  The seller said she would let me know if the person didn't show up to get them but I don't see that happening given the price. 

Being tired has made me pretty crabby.  The problem I have (or should I say one of the problems) with anger is that I have no problem telling other people why I'm angry with someone.  I think that constitutes gossip but I prefer to call it venting.  My issues come when I try to work it out with the person I'm angry with.  I can't get it out because I'm afraid of hurting feelings or causing a fight.  I realize this is a disservice to the person I'm angry with because then my anger comes out in a passive aggressive way (I know what that means now!)  or in outright snappiness and sarcasm.  It's also a disservice to me because it festers, I get resentful and, as I've recently realized, I eat way too much when I'm pissed off. 

This whole budget thing is getting me down as well.  It seems so easy and straightforward but when I sit down with pen, paper and calculator it gets all mixed up.  This is doubly upsetting to me because I really want to get our financial situation organized (obviously) but also because I think I used to be smart enough to do this kind of thing and now.... well, now I'm not.

I'm trying to make a change here by not diving into anger research.  Why I'm angry, why I can't express it, exercises to clarify it etc, etc.  Googling "anger" "anger management" "confronting people you love" blah blah blah.  I'm just going to carry on DOING.   I'm going to continue with the projects I have started as best I can and hopefully the progress will dissipate or at least minimize my snippiness.  I will not waste my time and energy brooding and sulking I will do my best to do some of what has to be done and some of what I want to do.  If I fall asleep in the middle of something, obviously I need the sleep right?  So that's the way it goes.  It's one of the reasons I don't have a job.

It's been tough this last week but I refuse to fall off the rails.

BTW:  Max is not limping at the moment.


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  2. Much, if not all, of it is genetics. imo
    For me it has to do with being threatened and a fear I will lose something. The fear hits and this all-consuming anger takes over my being and I have no control of it. Fortunately, I am not violent and only make a fool of myself. I work on it by trying to be prepared of what can go wrong since I do get bits of warning signs at times. Also, often I take my anger out on myself.
    I never get mad when I'm alone and so know it has much to do with being hyper-sensitive around people.
    Hope this sharing may help a bit.

    1. Thanks Rubye. Genetics or the way I was taught maybe? Keep the peace as much as possible. I didn't do this when Jess and I were going through a rough patch and it didn't work out too well. I used to fly into rages, now it's just a simmering, festering, ugly resentment with all the little things that used to be no big deal. No point talking about it, it won't change. (I'll just go get something to eat!)