Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My mood has been sinking lower and lower over the last few days.  It's not the kind of despair and hopelessness that often arrives unannounced, it is more like a gradual slipping from good to ok to who cares.  I'm finding it tough to get out of bed and get things done.  The apathy is stunning really I don't even care that I don't care.  Suicide is not far from my mind although I still know I have no intention of acting on the feelings.  It's just that a handful of something and a drifting off to permanent sleep seems so easy.

I did go to the potluck though it was very difficult.  I'm hoping nobody noticed how uncomfortable I was.  I worked very hard to hide it and I think I was mostly successful,  I sure hope so because it took alot out of me.

It's also been tough to walk the dogs.  The whole dog walking thing is further complicated because it is often too cold for our little fosterling and so I use this as a convenient excuse not to go at all.  John, bless him, has been taking them each separately when he gets home:  Max for the usual and Angel just around the street really.  I have been taking Max but Angel has a separation thing and cries and barks while we are out.  I'm not sure if it's good for her to be left alone (it's only 10-15 minutes at a time) or if leaving her alone like that will make it worse.  Max still seems to have his nose out of joint and is making a point of ignoring me.  Angel must feel more comfortable because she has started to do a fair amount of barking - when there is someone at the door, when she is startled which happens fairly easily.  She seems to have taken a bit of a dislike to Derek and barks at him.  She damn near gave me a heart attack twice this morning when she started barking at him when I was either asleep or just drifting off.  I have to say that I really do like the fact that she likes to snuggle  and she's so little she's very good at it.  At other times she can be very demanding of attention which can be a pain in the butt when you are trying to do something (like blog for example).  I sent out a bunch of e-mails looking for a groomer who would be willing to give us a discount since she is a foster.  I've gotten lots of responses with prices but no offers of a discount.  I think I told you before that we did give her a bath so she's not as smelly but getting the mats out and keeping new ones from forming is pretty tough and I don't really have the heart or the energy to struggle with the brush.  When she gets fed up I just let her be.  I'm liking having her here but I have to admit that John is doing the bulk of the caring for her which sucks because it was my idea to foster.  He says he doesn't mind and it's just unfortunate that her arrival has coincided with a slide in my mood.  Right now I'm waiting for it to warm up enough to take them out.  I'm determined to do it today.

I put the dishwasher on - that's something right?  I also intend to do the dishes.

As for projects, I'm still making slow progress on all of them but I think I will start a new one today.  I started a larger (13 inch diameter) mandala quite a long time ago.  I want to finish it just so it will be finished but I really don't feel like working on it and if I force it I know I will be unhappy with the results so that one is going in the closet - out of sight for a while.  I completed a decorative pillow cover with one of my completed mandalas but I'm not terribly happy with that either.  I would give it as a gift I think but I'm afraid if I sold it, the recipient would feel ripped off once they got a close up look at it in real life.  I am such a terrible judge of my own work.  I'm thinking if I can beg, borrow or steal a good camera I could take really good pictures so that the person would get a better, closer view of what they would actually be getting.  I'm going through all these thought processes and debates and internal discussions and I haven't even looked into how or where to sell stuff on line - I need more than one completed item anyway right?  You will be happy to know that I have not given up on selling something, I just am realizing that there will be more to it than I thought - having more than one item complete and that I'm satisfied with, figuring out how much to charge, finding a place on line to sell it, getting the listing, pictures and all done and last and probably most difficult, finding the courage to actually list them.  What if no one wants to buy anything?  I know, I know, there is only one way to find out and I will do it - later.  Have I convinced you?  I have almost convinced myself that it will be a good for me.

I guess the good news is that despite the slip and the apathy, I see what is happening to my mood and I haven't completely given up on thinking about doing stuff even if I can't actually do it right now.

I'm still here and I am loved - that is so important for me to remember right now.  D.E.B. and I will get together eventually and have a few laughs and get to know each other again.  I love you big brother.

1 comment:

  1. Hello ,

    For selling stuff online you can register with sites like Etsy, which does not require you to have loads of items for sale.

    As for mood slipping, apathy, and so forth, I find you very courageous and persistent in your fight. You see what is hapenning and even though you may not realize it, you are fighting it. Give yourself credit for that.

    You also seem to have a pretty decent support system in your other half. I hope the two of you comminicate well as he seems to be ok with helping.

    I'd love to see pictures of the stuff you do. (hint hint)