Two things come to mind immediately. Being debt free and having a clutter free house.
When I think about how long it will take us to become debt free and what is to be gained by not being in debt I find it hard to get excited about it. Maybe it's because it has been so long since we have been without debt or even with only a mortgage that I forget what it's like. Would it be a big relief? Probably. Can I picture it? No. It would be great to be able to save some money to help the kids with school or for when John retires it just doesn't seem like a real possibility. Isn't that a defeatist attitude? So typical for me. Better not to imagine how nice it would be because I don't see it as a possibility. Better to be resigned to debt than to hope or expect to get out of it only to have the roof cave in on me (figuratively) again. Why get your hopes up? I can't afford another disappointment. My heart, my hope and my visions for the future are all broken. I have been watching episode after episode of 'Till Debt do us Part. I don't know if you get it but it's a show where a money adviser comes in and helps a couple (or family) get their financial house in order. I rotate between "Well, we're not that bad off", "We're not that stupid", "Easy for them, they don't have one partner who is useless in the money earning department" I think that no matter how often I watch the show I will always be able to find a reason why that particular plan wouldn't work for us. The truth is that the only way we would be able to get our shit together is to have someone come in and help us just like on the show. Problem is John would never stand for it - having someone come in and tell us what to do and how to do it. I think it's kind of silly since I'm pretty sure John feels like he's not doing enough to support/look after his family when I'm the one collecting a pathetic pension instead of a real salary. I can't help looking backwards sometimes and imagining what I might be earning now if it weren't for the crash and burn.
Clutter free - oh boy. Our house isn't full of knick-knacks and "things", our walls are pathetically bare, we don't have a lot of toys and gadgets. We have tools - John's tools, my craft tools, my craft supplies, wood, books. I like to have these things out where I can see them, where they are handy so I'm more likely to use them. The more visible the stuff I have is, the less likely I will be to buy something else to make something. When I do get rid of stuff (jewellery findings) I always find myself wishing I had kept them because I think of a way I could use them. So far I have resisted the urge to replace those items. I have enough stuff to do lots of projects already. When I think of something I would like to try, I just write it down along with a list of what I would need to make it and I'll get to it when I'm done with what I have. I try to keep it neat and organized. I don't know if it bothers John or the kids that my stuff "in progress" is on the coffee table or the dining room table but most days I don't really care. I know that sounds bad but I'm the one who spends the most time here so I guess I feel kind of entitled (that's my self-pity talking). It's not that I want to go out to work (maybe) and make friends (not at all) the fact of the matter is that I can't. Isn't it human nature to want the things you can't have even if you don't really want it. Like being insulted that you weren't invited to a party you didn't want to go to anyway. I'm still working on the whole "do it in the spare room" thing. That's still a big block for me but I'm done kidding myself so I'm actually getting some projects done. (I know I keep saying that and I promise I will provide proof in the form of pictures soon)
I guess this is all just my way of justifying the fact that I'm not trying harder. Am I tired of trying to do it on my own? Yes. Am I tired of trying to get help? Yes. Does being debt free and clutter free matter that much to me? No. With any luck I won't live long enough to suffer the consequences and the life insurance we have on me (just the mortgage, no one else will give me life insurance even though they don't pay out on a suicide - and what's up with it only being good till you hit 75 - fucking insurance companies) and selling all my stuff will alleviate some of the financial pressure. John should be able to manage fairly well on his pension once I'm gone. Once I'm gone the clutter situation will also be resolved, though I'm not totally convinced that my stuff wouldn't just be replaced with other stuff. Anyway, the days come and go and I do the best I can. No one wants to hear from me anymore and I don't blame them, talking about it is pointless. That's why this blog is where all my pain, guilt, loneliness and self pity get dumped.
Blech, spit, spit, gag, choke I'm so tired, tired, tired of trying to move along each day, keep on a somewhat happy face and hold in the above noted pain etc so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. On top of all that my long walks with Max are no more and I swear he's totally holding it against me.
I better stop now, the screen is getting blurry for some reason.
When I think about how long it will take us to become debt free and what is to be gained by not being in debt I find it hard to get excited about it. Maybe it's because it has been so long since we have been without debt or even with only a mortgage that I forget what it's like. Would it be a big relief? Probably. Can I picture it? No. It would be great to be able to save some money to help the kids with school or for when John retires it just doesn't seem like a real possibility. Isn't that a defeatist attitude? So typical for me. Better not to imagine how nice it would be because I don't see it as a possibility. Better to be resigned to debt than to hope or expect to get out of it only to have the roof cave in on me (figuratively) again. Why get your hopes up? I can't afford another disappointment. My heart, my hope and my visions for the future are all broken. I have been watching episode after episode of 'Till Debt do us Part. I don't know if you get it but it's a show where a money adviser comes in and helps a couple (or family) get their financial house in order. I rotate between "Well, we're not that bad off", "We're not that stupid", "Easy for them, they don't have one partner who is useless in the money earning department" I think that no matter how often I watch the show I will always be able to find a reason why that particular plan wouldn't work for us. The truth is that the only way we would be able to get our shit together is to have someone come in and help us just like on the show. Problem is John would never stand for it - having someone come in and tell us what to do and how to do it. I think it's kind of silly since I'm pretty sure John feels like he's not doing enough to support/look after his family when I'm the one collecting a pathetic pension instead of a real salary. I can't help looking backwards sometimes and imagining what I might be earning now if it weren't for the crash and burn.
Clutter free - oh boy. Our house isn't full of knick-knacks and "things", our walls are pathetically bare, we don't have a lot of toys and gadgets. We have tools - John's tools, my craft tools, my craft supplies, wood, books. I like to have these things out where I can see them, where they are handy so I'm more likely to use them. The more visible the stuff I have is, the less likely I will be to buy something else to make something. When I do get rid of stuff (jewellery findings) I always find myself wishing I had kept them because I think of a way I could use them. So far I have resisted the urge to replace those items. I have enough stuff to do lots of projects already. When I think of something I would like to try, I just write it down along with a list of what I would need to make it and I'll get to it when I'm done with what I have. I try to keep it neat and organized. I don't know if it bothers John or the kids that my stuff "in progress" is on the coffee table or the dining room table but most days I don't really care. I know that sounds bad but I'm the one who spends the most time here so I guess I feel kind of entitled (that's my self-pity talking). It's not that I want to go out to work (maybe) and make friends (not at all) the fact of the matter is that I can't. Isn't it human nature to want the things you can't have even if you don't really want it. Like being insulted that you weren't invited to a party you didn't want to go to anyway. I'm still working on the whole "do it in the spare room" thing. That's still a big block for me but I'm done kidding myself so I'm actually getting some projects done. (I know I keep saying that and I promise I will provide proof in the form of pictures soon)
I guess this is all just my way of justifying the fact that I'm not trying harder. Am I tired of trying to do it on my own? Yes. Am I tired of trying to get help? Yes. Does being debt free and clutter free matter that much to me? No. With any luck I won't live long enough to suffer the consequences and the life insurance we have on me (just the mortgage, no one else will give me life insurance even though they don't pay out on a suicide - and what's up with it only being good till you hit 75 - fucking insurance companies) and selling all my stuff will alleviate some of the financial pressure. John should be able to manage fairly well on his pension once I'm gone. Once I'm gone the clutter situation will also be resolved, though I'm not totally convinced that my stuff wouldn't just be replaced with other stuff. Anyway, the days come and go and I do the best I can. No one wants to hear from me anymore and I don't blame them, talking about it is pointless. That's why this blog is where all my pain, guilt, loneliness and self pity get dumped.
Blech, spit, spit, gag, choke I'm so tired, tired, tired of trying to move along each day, keep on a somewhat happy face and hold in the above noted pain etc so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. On top of all that my long walks with Max are no more and I swear he's totally holding it against me.
I better stop now, the screen is getting blurry for some reason.
Hi AF, talking is rarely pointless. Putting it down on here is better than bottling it up or shouting at the family. I'm really sorry things are crappy at the moment x
ReplyDeleteI have no advice.
ReplyDeleteYou're more important to people than you know, I think, though.
Sending good thoughts toward you and hope that you will feel less sad tomorrow.