Monday, March 5, 2012

Is perception everything?

Mornings are the worst.  I'm finding it so hard to haul my ass out of bed and get moving in the morning.  Tidy the kitchen, feed the dogs, fresh water for the dogs, load or unload the dishwasher, make coffee - every morning it all seems like a monumental task.  Sometimes it gets better as the day goes on and some times it doesn't.

Anyway - perception.  First the facts:  John works two jobs, I don't have a job, John loves me and I love John.  Neither one of us does everything nor does either one of us do nothing.  So why do I feel like I'm constantly in competition and keeping score about who gets up earlier, who gets to sleep faster, who naps and where, who does what jobs and how often, etc., etc. 
Let's start (I know, I've already started but give me a break, the brain's not working too well these days) with the fact that John doesn't express his feelings. Ever.  Sometimes he'll seem angry and he always says he loves us, but as far as expressing any feelings beyond that - name one, any one - disappointment, frustration, happiness, sadness, relieved, worried, whatever, I can't tell what he's feeling.  I'm stuck guessing and me, being me, usually lean toward the negative.  When I try to engage him he generally reverts to a) being speechless; b) saying he has to think about it or c) no that's not how he feels at all and he's sorry if he made me feel that way.  Then I get that passive aggressive thing going on and I think "Fine, whatever, I'll do what I want, not do what I don't want and anything in between that he wants done he can do on himself.  Or maybe he'll finally force one of his lazy ass kids to do something"  (Having said that, Jessica made K.D. for me last night which I really appreciated)  He will almost always do a chore before asking the kids to do it because he says they won't do it anyway and it's less frustrating to just do the thing himself. (hmm, is he avoiding feelings altogether?)  One of the things that brought a lot of this on is that he's been making dinner every night for a while now and I appreciate it but I don't feel guilty for not being the one to do it.  I feel bad about not doing it but at the same time I don't.  It's more like I should feel guilty but don't so I get defensive instead and the defensiveness looks like this:  I rarely park my ass on the couch and sit and veg out watching t.v.  Everyone knows I watch a lot of t.v. but I'm always doing something else at the same time:  stitching, crocheting, folding laundry, whatever so why should I have to stop what I'm doing.  Also I will often get up during commercials and do short little jobs.  So yes, I watch a lot of t.v. and no, I don't make dinner but it's not because I'm doing nothing. 
The whole sleep competition thing has been going on for so long that I don't even like to talk about it.  I know I say I'm tired a lot and my perception is that John doesn't think I should be because he gets up earlier than me but goddamit I don't fall asleep watching t.v. and I don't fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow and I don't sleep through the night, ever. 
So tell me, why do I think it's unfair for me to ask him to get up with the dog when she wakes up early and make dinner?  Why do I feel like he's almost always angry with me or resenting me and my inability to beat depression once and for all.  Sometimes I think it would be easier for everyone if I wasn't here at all then they would have no expectations and they would never be disappointed in me.

P.S.  Our little guest has her surgery on the 19th of March.

1 comment:

  1. A really interesting post and lots for you to think about and discus with your other half (but only when you're both in a good frame of mind ) it's not just about knowing what to say but when. I do hope you're feeling ok. Big hug from thousands and thousands of miles away :-)