Friday, June 22, 2012

No whining today

You can probably guess that things are going reasonably well because I haven't posted.  It's funny how for the most part nothing changes and yet sometimes I find it intolerable and other times it doesn't seem so bad.   The underlying feeling of, I don't know what to call it - blankness, flatness - is always there but I don't know if that's me or the meds.  If it's the meds, I'm not prepared to risk changing them.  As far as I'm concerned, this is far better than the alternative which would very likely be me, laying in bed, sleeping, eating and crying.  Been there, done that (more than once) and I have no interest in going back there.  If it's me I am fully aware that I have to fix it.  I even have some ideas about how to fix it but they all consist of pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  I can think about that and make plans but when push comes to shove, I'm not doing any shoving.  Maybe I'm just too scared but I prefer to think I'm just not ready,  I try not to think about how long it has been and how long it may be before I am ready.  I guess when the flatness becomes more unbearable than the thought of venturing out I will be ready.  Not yet.

Recently, I read a post by Matt at a Hope Filled Life about isolation.  It struck a cord because that is my coping mechanism of choice.  I suppose it's better than some of the alternatives but he makes a valid point about how it seems like a reasonable response but isn't particularly healthy.  The trouble is that despite the fact that I know that and I could and probably should make friends, I really don't want to.  I know in my last post I whined about having no friends but the truth is I've worked it out that way and make very little effort to change that.  There is a pot luck this weekend and I simply could not face going. 

As it turns out, this weekend John will be off for the first time since Easter so we are going to do some things together. There are some things going on around town that look like fun.  The "Chicken and Rib Cook Off", "Dragon Boat Festival" and the "Summer Solstice Aboriginal Arts Festival"  are the ones I want to see.  My only concern is that I may run into somebody I knew "before" I cracked up, it's always so awkward.  It's been so long now though that I can pretty much get away with avoiding eye contact and pretending I didn't see them or that I don't really remember where I know them from. 

The kids are both finished school for the year.  Jess still needs two credits and Derek needs at least one, maybe two.  We still don't know if he passed one of his classes.

I have been working on a few new things that of course I don't have pictures of but I will.  One in particular that I am so far quite happy with the way it's turning out but it's not done yet.  I have been on a crochet kick lately so that's what I've been up to.

Unfortunately I have no nuggets of wisdom or profound insights to offer today, just talking about nothing and trying to remember to post when I'm not miserable.


  1. Have a fantabulous week-end She. Love you bunches.

  2. I was just thinking I hadn't seen a post from you in a while and was going to give you a nudge but you beat me to it.
    Have a great weekend.

    Onwards and upwards :-)