Well yesterday was another family (my side) dinner.
As always it was nice to see everyone but I am left feeling tired, drained and empty. Everyone seems to have a life that includes work, hobbies, friends and mine is exactly the same as it was last year at this time. I try to appear normal and happy which is what leaves me so tired. Sometimes I can even believe for a little while, in the moment, that I am like everyone else and it kind of feels good. But of course it doesn't last and now I'm back to reality.
I'm living and breathing and getting up in the morning. I'm fighting for my life, but not because I want it, because others want it. You know how they say if you are going to loose weight or quit smoking you have to do it for yourself, not others, or you won't succeed. Well it's like that. I'm doing it for others which makes the battle so much more difficult and I have to keep reminding myself that "Oh yes that's right, I'm supposed to want to live, that means I have to get out of bed."
It's not as bad as that makes it sound. I love my kids and my husband more than - I was going to say more than my own life but that doesn't mean much - more than I can possibly explain. I do have some happiness, I have things that I enjoy doing, I enjoy my dog, it's just that overall, in the big picture, in the grand scheme of things, I don't really see myself as much of a contributor. I just don't understand. I just can't help feeling that if I got a job, maybe 10 hours a week as a cashier at Walmart - they're big on hiring people with disabilities aren't they? Then I would be forced out of the house, I would earn some money and I would have some social interaction without obligation. On the other hand, the thought of standing at a cash with an endless line of customers who want to bitch, complain, or maybe even worse - to make small talk just makes me want to jump back in bed and pull the covers over my head. I wonder if I could specify that I want to work eight to ten hours of the slowest hours in every week. That would be the ideal situation. I think I can earn $4800 a year without it affecting my pension income.
BTW don't ever talk about how well your vehicle is serving you. We made that mistake and produced $2000 worth of work on John's truck. It's done but obviously we don't have that kind of cash - hello line of credit again.
We've been saving for a new fridge and will probably get it on Tuesday. I hope they take the old one away.
John has agreed to work every weekend until the 20th of October. That means that except for Monday, thanksgiving, he will have worked everyday from September 22 to October 20, because of me. To make up for the income I've lost, that I can't earn anymore. On the bright side, John has convinced me that under the circumstances we need to be proud of the fact that we didn't loose the house. So yes, despite what seems like a never ending mortgage, we are still homeowners and we do have equity in the house.
So on that happy note...'till next time.
As always it was nice to see everyone but I am left feeling tired, drained and empty. Everyone seems to have a life that includes work, hobbies, friends and mine is exactly the same as it was last year at this time. I try to appear normal and happy which is what leaves me so tired. Sometimes I can even believe for a little while, in the moment, that I am like everyone else and it kind of feels good. But of course it doesn't last and now I'm back to reality.
I'm living and breathing and getting up in the morning. I'm fighting for my life, but not because I want it, because others want it. You know how they say if you are going to loose weight or quit smoking you have to do it for yourself, not others, or you won't succeed. Well it's like that. I'm doing it for others which makes the battle so much more difficult and I have to keep reminding myself that "Oh yes that's right, I'm supposed to want to live, that means I have to get out of bed."
It's not as bad as that makes it sound. I love my kids and my husband more than - I was going to say more than my own life but that doesn't mean much - more than I can possibly explain. I do have some happiness, I have things that I enjoy doing, I enjoy my dog, it's just that overall, in the big picture, in the grand scheme of things, I don't really see myself as much of a contributor. I just don't understand. I just can't help feeling that if I got a job, maybe 10 hours a week as a cashier at Walmart - they're big on hiring people with disabilities aren't they? Then I would be forced out of the house, I would earn some money and I would have some social interaction without obligation. On the other hand, the thought of standing at a cash with an endless line of customers who want to bitch, complain, or maybe even worse - to make small talk just makes me want to jump back in bed and pull the covers over my head. I wonder if I could specify that I want to work eight to ten hours of the slowest hours in every week. That would be the ideal situation. I think I can earn $4800 a year without it affecting my pension income.
BTW don't ever talk about how well your vehicle is serving you. We made that mistake and produced $2000 worth of work on John's truck. It's done but obviously we don't have that kind of cash - hello line of credit again.
We've been saving for a new fridge and will probably get it on Tuesday. I hope they take the old one away.
John has agreed to work every weekend until the 20th of October. That means that except for Monday, thanksgiving, he will have worked everyday from September 22 to October 20, because of me. To make up for the income I've lost, that I can't earn anymore. On the bright side, John has convinced me that under the circumstances we need to be proud of the fact that we didn't loose the house. So yes, despite what seems like a never ending mortgage, we are still homeowners and we do have equity in the house.
So on that happy note...'till next time.
John's right, take the victories however small and your part in them and do a little dance.
ReplyDeleteYou might not be contributing the way you want to but somewhere along the line you're doing something. Forget about yesterday, don't think about tomorrow. Fill up today with thoughts and stuff for today only.
Your part of a team (together everybody achieves more).
Onwards and upwards :-) x