Wednesday, December 12, 2012

New meds and Christmas

Trying a new med for sleep.  I think it's the Canadian version of ambien.  No miracles but I'm trying to stay optimistic.  Some days I feel a little better in the morning but nothing seems to change the fact that I wish I wasn't here.  Sometimes it really pisses me off because I'm struggling to get through the days for all those people who "love" me and yet most of them don't have the time of day for me.  They don't care what I want so why do I have to do this.  I know, I know, I don't make an effort either but I'm not asking anyone to live, struggle, fight to survive for me.  Besides I could reach out and then what, I have nothing to talk about except how I'm not getting any better.  On the bright side I'm crocheting up a storm and I'm liking it.  I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with all the little flowers, snowflakes, squares and other motifs but I'm enjoying the process which is enough for now.  The whole depression thing is multiplied a thousand times by fear of going out into the world so I know in many ways I'm my own worst enemy.

But Anyway, here's why I hate Christmas.

When I was younger, especially as a teenager Christmas really was about the family getting together.  We would sit at the dinner table for ever talking; we would play cards; we would draw names so we only had to buy one gift, some years we even had to make the gift. 
Now, we don't know what to get for the kids.  We don't even know them well enough to know what we could get to surprise them.  I can't remember the last time we were actually able to surprise them.  Mostly what they do want is so expensive we can't afford it.  John and I don't buy gifts for each other anymore.  We say it's because we just get what we want when we want it throughout the year but we used to get each other things anyway.  I think we don't really know each other that well anymore either.  I couldn't begin to guess what I could get for him.  So that makes Christmas morning a bust.  We don't even do stockings anymore.
As for Christmas dinner.  Since John's sister has been away we've been trying to do dinner for his mom but my heart isn't in it.  The kids head out with an  "I'll be home for dinner" or they stay at home asking "when's dinner?"  so they can make their plans for after dinner.  Now that John's sister is home I'm assuming she'll be doing the big deal again which is always nice but I told the kids that they didn't have to go if they don't want to and if they don't I'm going to have to explain why not.  As far as Christmas and birthday dinners go I've never wanted to force the kids into staying home.  I figure there is nothing special about forcing them to stay,  I know they would if I asked them to but I always hope they will stay home and spend some time with us and they never do.  They usually ask if I mind if they go out but I would just feel stupid saying "No, you have to stay home with me on my birthday and you will also have to pretend you don't mind staying home and you have to pretend you are enjoying yourself."  Anyway, so Christmas is just more of the same.  As far as my family goes, there is usually no family dinner.  Each member of the family does their own thing with husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends and kids.  I don't blame anyone for that it's just the way it is.  I could put on a family dinner, not necessarily on Christmas and I'm sure they would mostly come.  It usually falls to my sister P to do family dinners but she does Christmas with her boyfriend and her son.  I just can't imagine being able to prepare dinner for lots of people and having all those people in the house, not to mention that Max would be a nightmare and my house is neither clean enough or nice enough for most of them.  Plus two brothers are pretty far away.
The long and the short (too late, I'm so long winded today) is that Christmas is just another day with a whole bunch of stress leading up to it and a whole lot of disappointment for the kids on Christmas morning.  I don't even want to put the tree up this year.  It's always John and I who get stuck putting it up and taking it down, it is by no means a family affair.

On the bright side, I'm kind of hoping that the world really does end on Dec. 21 then the problem will be solved.

1 comment:

  1. She, I'm truly sorry that I happen to be one of those people that want you to live..I'm selfish and thats on me. As far as your house not being clean or nice enough, I never need to eat before I get to your house nor do I need to wear a parka when I visit. You have a loving, warm and welcoming home because you have those same traits within you. I love you very much. Merry Christmas!!!