Another new year, but what does that mean really? Will anything change for me? Last year around this time, I resolved to sell one hand made item to someone other than family. Did I? No, of course not. Maybe I shouldn't say "of course not" but am I surprised? No, not really. My lack of confidence is my major stumbling block. Maybe this year I should focus on getting an Etsy shop going. Jessica did say she would help me so I can do that and not worry about selling anything.
I'm still pretty focused on crocheting motifs though I still haven't really decided what to do with them. I also have some projects on the go, among them one for each of my sisters and one for my sister-in-law as well as a bunch that I just started with an idea but no inspiration to go further. I'm trying not to get to excited about the unfinished items but I keep hearing someone (I don't know who) saying that I don't finish because I'm afraid the thing won't turn out the way I pictured it (it never does) or that I will hate it (sometimes). Mostly when I finish something I look at it and think it looks cheesy, or "arts and craftsy" instead of just well made, functional, pretty, you know what I mean right? On top of that, my sewing machine is fighting back again and I can't find the patience to fiddle with it. It was working fine then - same fabric, same thread, same bobbin, same everything - five minutes later the bobbin thread is bunching up and I can't sew a stitch.
I have been thinking a lot about getting out of the house (other than just to walk the dog). Getting out to walk the dog is getting a little harder because I'm getting up when it's still dark. That means I can't get out immediately, for one thing it's dark and if I want to let him run off leash, there's no lights back there and secondly, he's kind of afraid of going for a walk in the dark. Anyway, since I can't go out right away, I end up sitting down and starting something, then it's hard for me to get up and get out. Hard, ha; I think it's about being lazy. The same laziness that in addition to fear, prevents me from going out to do other things although when I really think about it, I can't really come up with anything I really want to do. I keep coming back around to getting a job but no one wants to hire anybody for the few hours I want. How do people find under the table jobs?
I guess really what I've been doing is a lot of pondering, ruminating and speculating but little else. I've also thought about a life coach but I'm afraid a) they are too expensive and b) I would probably be very resistant to the exercises or assignments that a life coach might ask me to do. I keep thinking about it like a personal trainer - from what I've seen and heard I would probably end up telling a personal trainer to fuck off and give me a break. Telling a life coach to fuck off would very likely not be particularly productive or useful.
The other thing that is very typical of me is that I'm doing a lot of research into different things which is why I'm trying to stay off the computer. It's the whole researching, learning, reading, printing and once again, actually doing very little. I would be sorting and organizing in the spare room if Jessica still wasn't spread out in there. She did do the priming with the stuff John bought and it actually covered all of the Sharpie. Now we need to finish priming the ceiling, paint the first coat and then D can come back and help her with the stripes. We are going to have to get her some kind of closet organizer because the dresser that was built in did not survive the removal. It's always something.
Money is such a nightmare. John's sister gave me $200 for my birthday to go towards a new sewing machine. We used it to buy the new fridge which we would have managed to buy anyway but now that money is gone. The "extra" money from paying off the truck is now going into the mortgage and I'm about to loose the supplements from CPP because Derek is just about done school and Jessica will be done until September. Derek doesn't know what he wants to do, which is fair but I'm going to have to try and convince him it's time to get a full time job and quit staying out all night. When Jessica goes to college in the fall (I have no doubt she will get accepted) we will have tuition, books and she will need a new camera and a new computer. She has tremendous faith in OSAP but I gotta say I'm not as confident that it's going to cover everything. In the meantime John is back to working every other weekend and sleeping every night. I have to find a way to take control of our finances without making John feel like I don't have confidence in him. It's really about me worrying - he does it because he doesn't want me to worry and half the time that works. The other half of the time I'm worried sick because I don't have a frickin' clue what's going on. Is taking control the answer? I don't know.
For all my thinking, thinking, thinking I don't have many answers and I don't know much.
In other news, the Sublinox seems to be helping to improve the quality of my sleep though I still need the Clonazepam to actually get to sleep. An improvement but no miracles. I didn't really expect a miracle but you can't blame a girl for hoping can you? My mood has generally been fairly good although I still can't get excited about much of anything, the good news is I'm still breathing.
I'm still pretty focused on crocheting motifs though I still haven't really decided what to do with them. I also have some projects on the go, among them one for each of my sisters and one for my sister-in-law as well as a bunch that I just started with an idea but no inspiration to go further. I'm trying not to get to excited about the unfinished items but I keep hearing someone (I don't know who) saying that I don't finish because I'm afraid the thing won't turn out the way I pictured it (it never does) or that I will hate it (sometimes). Mostly when I finish something I look at it and think it looks cheesy, or "arts and craftsy" instead of just well made, functional, pretty, you know what I mean right? On top of that, my sewing machine is fighting back again and I can't find the patience to fiddle with it. It was working fine then - same fabric, same thread, same bobbin, same everything - five minutes later the bobbin thread is bunching up and I can't sew a stitch.
I have been thinking a lot about getting out of the house (other than just to walk the dog). Getting out to walk the dog is getting a little harder because I'm getting up when it's still dark. That means I can't get out immediately, for one thing it's dark and if I want to let him run off leash, there's no lights back there and secondly, he's kind of afraid of going for a walk in the dark. Anyway, since I can't go out right away, I end up sitting down and starting something, then it's hard for me to get up and get out. Hard, ha; I think it's about being lazy. The same laziness that in addition to fear, prevents me from going out to do other things although when I really think about it, I can't really come up with anything I really want to do. I keep coming back around to getting a job but no one wants to hire anybody for the few hours I want. How do people find under the table jobs?
I guess really what I've been doing is a lot of pondering, ruminating and speculating but little else. I've also thought about a life coach but I'm afraid a) they are too expensive and b) I would probably be very resistant to the exercises or assignments that a life coach might ask me to do. I keep thinking about it like a personal trainer - from what I've seen and heard I would probably end up telling a personal trainer to fuck off and give me a break. Telling a life coach to fuck off would very likely not be particularly productive or useful.
The other thing that is very typical of me is that I'm doing a lot of research into different things which is why I'm trying to stay off the computer. It's the whole researching, learning, reading, printing and once again, actually doing very little. I would be sorting and organizing in the spare room if Jessica still wasn't spread out in there. She did do the priming with the stuff John bought and it actually covered all of the Sharpie. Now we need to finish priming the ceiling, paint the first coat and then D can come back and help her with the stripes. We are going to have to get her some kind of closet organizer because the dresser that was built in did not survive the removal. It's always something.
Money is such a nightmare. John's sister gave me $200 for my birthday to go towards a new sewing machine. We used it to buy the new fridge which we would have managed to buy anyway but now that money is gone. The "extra" money from paying off the truck is now going into the mortgage and I'm about to loose the supplements from CPP because Derek is just about done school and Jessica will be done until September. Derek doesn't know what he wants to do, which is fair but I'm going to have to try and convince him it's time to get a full time job and quit staying out all night. When Jessica goes to college in the fall (I have no doubt she will get accepted) we will have tuition, books and she will need a new camera and a new computer. She has tremendous faith in OSAP but I gotta say I'm not as confident that it's going to cover everything. In the meantime John is back to working every other weekend and sleeping every night. I have to find a way to take control of our finances without making John feel like I don't have confidence in him. It's really about me worrying - he does it because he doesn't want me to worry and half the time that works. The other half of the time I'm worried sick because I don't have a frickin' clue what's going on. Is taking control the answer? I don't know.
For all my thinking, thinking, thinking I don't have many answers and I don't know much.
In other news, the Sublinox seems to be helping to improve the quality of my sleep though I still need the Clonazepam to actually get to sleep. An improvement but no miracles. I didn't really expect a miracle but you can't blame a girl for hoping can you? My mood has generally been fairly good although I still can't get excited about much of anything, the good news is I'm still breathing.
Oh dear you sound like me. I have been suggested an organization to help me get out of the house in organized activities and some therapeutic stuff. Have you tried any?
ReplyDeleteThere are a few in communities. I think you are in the same city as I am. Lok for Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) in your community, these places sometimes have other programs which may help people like us. Help us get out and do stuff (that is not dog walking) with people who understand.
I may be preaching to the choir but we are on the same road and I want us both to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep blogging.
I don't have a lot of commentary for you, because you've already heard all that kind of stuff. I know, because I have heard it, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing pretty well mentally right now because the legal battle is over, they've been ordered to pay me, and I'm feeling better physically because all the surgeries have finally healed up.
But about the finances... have you considered doing it together?
Hubby passed it to me ages ago, and I do it on my own. He will call and say, "Can I spend x amount?" and I will say yay or nay.
But I'm concerned because *I* know all our passwords and pay all the bills online and do everything and he does not. And in case something happens, we should both know what's going on.
So consider it.
And I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I do care, and am sending good thoughts to you.
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ReplyDelete