Part two

Sometimes when I write or when I'm really tired (both today) I spin myself into a downward spiral of self-loathing, desperation and hopelessness.  It all comes down to my firm belief that if I tried harder I could get beyond this.  I feel like something has to give eventually, I have to turn a corner and get better or - not.  I don't know how much longer I can continue in this ridiculous limbo.  When I think about mindfulness, I try so hard to be non-judgmental.  I can be fairly successful at not judging and when I do find myself judging I try to catch myself, EXCEPT - when it comes to myself.  I can judge myself because I do know what's going on in my life, I know what my circumstances are and that there are no deep, dark secrets or traumas in my past.  I know that this is not the life I wanted for me, for my husband nor for my kids.  I didn't make big plans or have big hopes and dreams when I was in high school.  I didn't always know what I wanted to be when I grew up (I still don't) I didn't have grand ambitions and vision for what I would do or what I would become but this wasn't it.  I once wrote a story, just a paragraph really, about what I wanted a normal day to be for me.  It was very 50s housewifey but where the mom/wife also has a job.  Obviously I know now it was ridiculously unrealistic, it was so far off from what the life of a depressed person is or possibly can be.  At the time, I'm not sure whether I really thought any of it might be possible or whether I could make parts of it happen if I just tried hard enough. 

Inspirational stories make me feel two things (one the other or both):  I'm ashamed that I'm not making more of my life, that I'm not more productive and secondly that maybe if I was to suffer some sort of near death experience from illness or injury I might snap out of it.  Meanwhile, I still get out of bed every day no matter how hard it is (even if some days it's pretty late), I still walk the dog (though not everyday anymore), I still do what I can to keep the house clean and organized (though not nearly as clean and organized as I would like it to be) just waiting for something to happen in my head - better or worse - but something big has to happen someday, hopefully soon.