Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Yeah, I got insights. Now what?

So, I haven't made it back to the chapter on resiliency yet but I have started reading another book called "Self-Coaching - The Powerful Program to Beat Anxiety and Depression" by Joseph J. Luciani.  He asserts that Depression is not an illness, which I totally disagree with but he does talk about what sounds a lot like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which I would like to tackle - again.  In any case, I decided to go ahead and write the things that have come to me so far.  I think they mean something but I'm not real sure what to do with them.

I am so afraid of being unworthy, unlovable and unlikeable that I withdraw and am too scared to test my worthiness.  The test being to go out and meet people who might not like me.
I am so scared to go out and meet people, "make friends" that I convince myself these people - friends I have, friends I might make, family - would be a drain on my energy because I would be required to "behave" in a certain way to try and be likeable so it's safer and easer to withdraw.
The vast collection of things I feel guilty about have snowballed into a feeling of shame.  I am ashamed of who I am because of past mistakes.
People say I have an anger problem but I'm not sure I do.  I get angry.  Sometimes I yell and throw stuff.  I also bit my tongue and hold in my anger a lot.  The problem is that I would rather be angry than risk hurting someone's feelings by just being honest.  It's better for them to be angry with me or to think I have anger than for them to feel hurt.
It is tough and sometimes lonely living the way I do but it is safer than putting myself out there and risk not having the energy to maintain a friendship or to complete an item and have it be "not good enough"  Am I afraid of not being liked?  No, I am afraid of the energy it will take to be liked. Is that the same thing?  Can I forget about trying to be liked and just "be myself"?  I don't think so because "myself" is a taker, an attention craver and in constant need of reassureances.
Brene Brown (author of the perfectionism book) Guilt = I did something bad; Shame= I am bad.  Me - I did so many bad things directly, indirectly or by doing nothing at all = I am bad.
The reason I can go to potluck dinners sometimes and have fun is because they don't know who I really am.  I don't show who I am and there is no opportunity at a party to expose my real self.
I keep thinking about going back to therapy because I see a therapist as someone who has to listen, can't judge (at least not out loud), offer advice and doesn't call me with their problems.
Brene Brown:  "most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance."  I am a perfectionist created by trying to earn praise and since it rarely came I don't bother seeing things through to the end anymore and when I do I need lots of reassurances which I don't necessarily believe anyway.
The more crochet books I look at the more imperfect pieces I see - and they are in published books!  My imperfect pieces are good enough - maybe.
Because I am not "earning" a living I feel like I should take on everything else.  All the other responsibilities for the family which is impossible so I feel like I'm not trying hard enough or I'm too lazy to do it all and do it right.
Is shame created by a fear of being judged?  When I say "my house is a mess" or "I'm so lazy" am I just trying to beat someone, anyone to the punch by shaming myself before they can judge me?
When the kids were little the chaos created a loss of the control I had over my life.  That loss of control created anxiety which led to depression and feelings of inadequacy as a parent.  These created further loss of control by eroding my confidence and causing some paralysis.  That led to the perpetual downward spiral whenever something bad (i.e. something I can't control) happens.  What in my personality or past leads me to feel I need to be in control?  For example, what's with my perpetual organizing and reorganizing in an attempt to control things?
I would like to be able to trust myself to be able to handle what happens instead of trying to control what happens.  
I am trying to control my life by minimizing my contact with the world.  The more I withdraw the less chance there is that "bad things" might happen.
The problem with being in the moment is that it draws my mind to my current situation, how I got here and my view that it is futile to try and get out AND, what would I do anyway?  That's why I'm not too crazy about silence anymore.
I'm afraid of making mistakes, being noticed and called out on them so I try to blend in as much as possible.  On the other hand, if it's something beyond my control that makes me stick out, like being sick, I want the attention and expressions of concern.  I have no faith in my ability and no trust in others' sincerity in their expressions of faith, trust, praise or concern when it's something I do on purpose - crafts, cleaning house etc., but I'm also afraid people won't like it (even though when they say they do I don't necessarily believe them) or notice what I've done.

I didn't realize there were so many.  Good job I didn't wait till I was done.


  1. You know yourself pretty well. Writing all that stuff down must have been difficult, I know it would be for me.

    I always wonder, if I can articulate all the stuff going on in my head, and the feelings I have, how can a therapist help me? Since I already know what's wrong.

  2. Agree with Aims, about writing that stuff down and I guess even more difficult to press the publish button.
    The weird thing is I like you more because you can write those things. People who ignore their short comings are infinitely more difficult to like.
    I'm guessing you weren't feeling that great when you wrote these things down but there are plenty of things there, that are the same faults and thoughts we all have. You're not alone in having shortcomings or worries or fears and you're not on your own either (although you may feel you are at times).
    I read something the other day in which the writer was saying "life's too short to worry about our faults we need to concentrate on our strengths." I don't think it's that straight forward but he has a point.
    Every time I fuck up at the moment. I think "well there's an opportunity to try again" and every time I think, it's hopeless I know I'm one step closer to success. Yeah it's a bit of kidiology but I'm nice to my kids so why not be nice to the big kid inside me :-)
    Onwards and upwards S best wishes and thoughts from Spanner x