Sunday, March 17, 2013


Lately I feel like I have been gripped by a strange kind of inertia.  Like I'm engulfed in some kind of jelly, both mind and body, that makes it impossible to move or think at a normal speed.  Everything is in slow motion and I can't think straight, I can't concentrate.  The only emotion I'm feeling these days is anger. It seems like there is only anger or indifference.  I haven't been doing much of anything but watching t.v. (the downside of Netflix)  I'm trying to keep moving on as far as taking care of the house and family stuff but I'm just going through the motions and I'm resentful that the kids don't help.  I want to say no one helps but John does, he really does.  It's the kids who don't unless they are asked.  Even when they are asked, I asked Jess to unload the dishwasher and she only unloaded the bottom rack.  She's not working on her class and she's not working at a job or even finding one.  Derek still doesn't have his volunteer hours and talks about finding a better job but is not really moving in that direction.
I met a man while I was out walking Max, he was walking his dogs, and he suffers also and he really heard what I was saying and understood what I meant.  He loaned me an Eckhart Tolle set of two DVDs.  It was all so inspiring and hope inducing but once I watched the DVDs I realized, without sounding too jaded, it's all stuff I've heard before.  Living in the moment is the gist, the crux of the message.  I know it's something I should work harder at practicing and sometimes I can.  When I notice myself living in the moment, I notice it but, and this is hard to explain, but it doesn't give me any comfort or peace.  Nothing does really. 
The sublinox does not seem as effective as it was originally.  It seems I can't escape whatever it is that makes virtually any medication work only temporarily or not at all.  I'm back to trying various combinations of gravol and robaxacet along with the sublinox and clonazepam to try and get a restful, full night's sleep and considering the possible sedating effects of alcohol or even weed.  I've increased the Pristiq and I've only cried once since and that was because my back hurt so much.  I don't know if the lack of tears is good or bad because I don't really feel any better.  I just feel vacant, I wish I could sleep all day and all night.  Say just until they find a cure for depression.  That shouldn't be too long right?  Sometimes I long for the days when I was seriously overmedicated and unaware of anything that was going on around me.  I was here (sort of) for family and I was absent for myself.  Perhaps that's the only happy medium between my brokenness, my inability to get better and suicide which I've already determined is not an option.  Although the older I get, and the older the kids get the more I wonder why not.

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