I'm liking this.

I can hardly believe I have followers already, and none of them are relatives. I like that some are crafters, some are people suffering with mental illness and some are both.
The problem with the crafters is that I know they want to see pictures of my creations but I'm afraid to post photos in case my stuff isn't good enough. I don't want to disappoint anyone. Everyone says it is, they all say "You should sell those" but nobody ever offers to buy any. My mom commissioned something which she and my dad insisted on paying for but I can't count my parents! I don't even like to refer to myself as a "Crazy Quilter" because I really don't know what I'm doing. I just call it sewing, or embellishing.
My husband (my wisest and kindest therapist ever) keeps telling me it's the process not the product. I get that but it is a function of my self esteem - i.e. if the product isn't useful, then the process is pointless. I do have some things completed that I like but don't want to post pictures in case no one else likes them. Does that mean I don't really like them? I know, I know, it shouldn't matter if others like it as long as I do, but it does matter. Even when they do say they like it I'm as likely as not to think "She's just saying that." It has always been easier to keep my creative endeavors to myself. I tend to think "If I can do it, then it must be easy." That makes it no big deal, nothing to be proud of. As you can see I have created a situation where I simply cannot win.
No wonder I can't outrun the Black Dog.

What am I doing here?

Rough weekend. Had a migraine and was pretty much useless. I hate that when I get a migraine it lays me up and I can't do anything. It makes me feel lazy and depressed.

My house is a mess, I have laundry to do, I have to change the sheets, blah, blah, blah. Am I using these as excuses to stay away from trying to release my "inner artist" for fear of failure.

What is the point really of this blog? I got a new laptop so I could post when the mood strikes - what a waste of money we don't really have.

I set goals for myself and all they do is mock me there is no motivation in them.

What is the matter with me? Why can't I just sit down with a book, read it, then follow the instructions? I don't even have to think of something to do on my own! Too scared obviously.

I spend a lot of time wondering who I am and yet I'm too scared to find out. What if I find out the person I really am is as inadequate as I believe her to be? What if I find out that she's way better and I've wasted her time? I can sit around wondering I am good at that. I refuse to give up on this too. My husband keeps telling me "You do what you can" and he's pretty smart when it comes to me and my ruminations. In his honor I pledge that today I can fold laundry and fill up one page with color. Plus I posted here.

Am I blogger yet?

This blogging thing is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be.  I thought I could just write stuff about what I'm doing and how I'm feeling and post some pictures of stuff I'm working on and some completed projects.  (Clearly I am not a writer, I think that is a run-on sentence)  Then my daughter help me set this up and I started poking around about blogs.  There's how to get people to read it, how often to post, how to get followers, how to make money from your blog....  I haven't totally figured out facebook yet!  I was ready to give up but I figure I can go slow, learn as I go along and even if nothing else pans out, I'll still have an electronic copy of my journal as opposed to hundreds of looseleaf pages.  I only hope that anyone who takes a peek now will not write me off but check back to see my progress.