Monday, May 16, 2011

Enjoying the journey/process

Here in Ottawa, we have a monthly magazine called "Tone - A forum for the consciousness-raising community in the Eastern Ontario/Western Quebec area"  I quite like it.  You can find it online at Tone.  Well I was reading through the April issue and came across an article called "Enjoying the Journey" (by Jane Miller, Bsc, PhD, Associate Certified Coach,  In the article, she talks about how she is always anxious to achieve the next goal, to reach the next milestone and her husband when working towards a goal, enjoys the process, the research, the breaks.  I have been telling myself "Once I get through this damn depression, then I can..."
I feel like this depression has cost me my chances of doing all kinds of things.  Primarily, since I am no longer able to work (at a job where I made decent money) we can`t really travel, we can`t give our kids the things we would like to, we can`t fix up the house the way we want it.  More importantly, the days and weeks when I was completely non-functional cost me time that I needed to get to know my kids, to let them know they can talk to me, that they can trust me and that even if I don`t always understand or agree, I won`t judge and will try to help.
I can`t quite put a finger on what part of this I should be enjoying.  I`m grateful that I don`t have to work but hate that my family has to make sacrifices for me.  I`m happy to do things for them (laundry, dishes etc.) but resent that they sometimes think that`s all I do and that I`m supposed to do it all.  I`m too scared most of the time to even set goals, so many have come and gone.  I seem incapable of seeing challenges and failures as learning experiences only as affirmations of my inadequacies.
Instead of taking inspiration from these types of articles and being motivated by them to do better, they tend to discourage me all over again because I can`t develop the right attitude.

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