Thursday, May 19, 2011

My problem is...

I was diagnosed with depression in 1995.  I went through millions of different medications, dosages, and combinations.  I've done therapy with a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a social worker.  I've had consults with I don't even know how many doctors.  I've tried all kinds of things that I've read in magazines and on the internet.  I could go on but I'm sure you get my drift.  So why do these things still plague me?

I wake up in the morning and am still as tired as when I went to bed.  Sometimes it seems more tired and can't get back to sleep.

I know meditating helps but I rarely do it.  It's not as if I don't have time or that it takes a great deal of energy.

I wake up (occasionally) and think of all kinds of things I want to do, sometimes I even get excited about doing them.  Then I get up and get through my morning routine and I still remember those things but I can't remember what seemed so great about them, or I think there's not much point in doing them.

I make plans to create art and figure out what it says about me, to sell my crafts, to learn a new craft... and then I become overwhelmed or I spend so much time researching it that it becomes too big a job and just forget the whole thing.  ("I'm on my way for real this time" = yeah, right)

I plan to clean the house, one step at a time, not even all at once and can't seem to get my ass off the couch.  (There are three baskets of laundry that I have to fold that have been sitting here for days)

I love my dog but sometimes I wish he was more affectionate.  I don't know how to play with him.  I don't take the time to teach him tricks.

I know I should be challenging my "negative self talk"  but whenever I do it sounds hollow because I totally believe that negative voice is telling me the facts.  I haven't even figured out whose  voice it is.

I have a loving healthy husband and kids, I have a home and food on the table, my husband works two jobs and yet I sulk because I don't have a car.   There's no reason I can't take the bus but I don't.

I don't want to try to do any "handy man" stuff around the house because I'm afraid to create a bigger problem even though I know John can fix anything.

The way John manages the money drives me crazy but I don't insist on taking over.  I think he continues to do it because he doesn't want me to worry about it and maybe I don't insist because I don't really want to know the truth.

I really would like to have at least one friend to talk to but I know I would be that needy friend who always wants to talk about my problems, complains all the time and cancels plans because I can't face life and the real world so I don't bother. 

I feel terribly guilty about not working (my disability pension is a pittance) and yet I am terrified of getting a job.  I'm too scared to even commit to volunteer work.

I am currently on Pristique, Wellbutrin and Concerta I would say I'm fairly stable.  I have good days and bad days but overall I just think that this is just as good as it gets.  So I  wonder if in fact my depression is in remission and I am simply a lazy, miserable person with character flaws that will never feel fulfilled and satisfied.  This leaves me with the conviction I have had for a few years now that I am simply broken somewhere inside.


  1. I know that tired feeling...
    I'm currently on Zoloft, Abilify, Mirtazapine, and Lorazepam.
    Keep hanging in there!

  2. I understand the tired too. I just take cymbalta-just 60mg was 90mg but it makes me sleepy but only when I am not wanting to sleep. At bedtime, then I cant sleep. This week I am having horrible anxiety. Thanks for sharing.
    Hugs, Kim

  3. You sound like me. I was first diagnosed around then and I am still like I am. I don't know.

    I take Prozac(25 mg) and Wellbutrin SR (200 twice a day) and I am exhausted.

  4. Are you living my life? I'm pretty sure you just described it to a tee. I'm not on any medication and haven't been for years. I accept the bad days and live for the good. On the good days most of the stuff that means so much on the bad, doesn't apply.