Monday, September 19, 2011

How things are now

Haven't been on the computer at all for a while.  I'm halfway through my reader and decided I should post before I run out of steam and require a nap.

Went to the dr. on Friday we cut my Pristiq to 50 mg (from 100) and I quit taking Linessa (birth control) The Linessa is supposed to help with the whole PMS thing but I figure I'll go without for a couple of months and see what happens. I don't think I need to tell you how scared I am but something has to give.  Spending time with D has made me realize how much I have given up on.  She is requiring more of me in terms of being honest about how I feel and not settling for mediocre.  She has made me want to be happy again and has given me hope that I can be.  Obviously that's a good thing, but at the same time I think being in my "this is as good as it gets so get used to it" bubble was pretty easy.  This is hard and it's scary.  I'm going to let you know what I'm doing and not what I plan to do.  Plans are bullshit.

Mood wise, I'm up and down.  I want to thank everyone for all your messages of support and encouragement.  John has officially relieved me of all responsibility until I get squared away.  There are some things recently posted here that he was not fully aware of.  It is a relief to get all of it out in the open and I have been plugging along doing what I can around the house.  John has been walking the dog when I don't and making dinner which may not seem like much but it is a huge relief to me that there is no pressure.  Yesterday I didn't much feel like walking the dog but I did and surprisingly for the first time in I don't know how long, I felt better for having done it.

Today is Jessica's 19th birthday and she is home from school because she is still hungover from her drinking binge on Saturday.  This is infuriating to me and if I could force her out of bed and up to school I would.  As it is I am glad she is at least smart enough to stay in her room and out of my presence.  I really don't want to have a fight with her on her birthday.  John had a talk with her yesterday about growing up and getting serious about life and to knock off the partying. I hope she heard him but honestly, I doubt it.  I recently discovered she still needs 5, yes 5, credits to graduate from high school.  That is also infuriating.  I said "oh Jess" and she immediately went on the defensive "I'm discouraged enough as it is, blah blah blah and boo hoo"  So what do I do - I say sorry.  I should have said "Discouraged enough to get your shit together and start putting some effort in?"  Not that it matters because I know now - two weeks in - that the answer is no.  She goes to an alternative school where they do one credit at a time and work at their own speed.  Apparently her speed is the maximum time allowed for each course and she feels it is not necessary to work on it outside of school hours - a whopping 9 - 12:20.  Long day right?  The thing I find most annoying about all this is that she is very smart and she could be doing so much better, she just doesn't seem to care. 

I'm also currently very annoyed with Derek who seems not to be taking school too seriously either.  I also think he is lying to me about where he goes and what he does but I can't tell as easily as I used to.  The worst thing about that is that now I'm pretty suspicious about everything he says which makes it extremely difficult to enjoy a conversation with him.  I keep thinking "I'll ask you no questions, you tell me no lies"  but I keep asking questions anyway. 

Anyone who has kids knows how much I love mine.  They are smart, witty, good-looking and have a world of potential - they just don't seem interested.  Obviously I'm worried because at their age I had all kinds of plans and never lived up to my potential.  I don't want them to be 45, looking backwards and saying "woulda, shoulda, coulda" like I am.  I suppose I should have faith that they will find their way.  Right?  Should I?  I want to read them the riot act but they are never in the same room together long enough and I don't have the strength to have that conversation twice.  Part of me wants to just say "Fuck it, they'll figure it out soon enough - life ain't fair, there are no freebies, no handouts".  If it weren't for pot, alcohol and friends they'ld be fine their priorities are all mixed up.  I feel responsible for that that I failed to teach them something along the way that they need to know.

I will be 46 on Wednesday and I can hardly believe where I'm at.  Thank God for John and D.  They love me, understand me, have faith in me and continue to believe in me.  Not that the rest of my family and friends don't care, I know they do, at least I'm pretty sure they do, they just don't "get it".  That's not their fault - it just is and I do appreciate that they would be there if I called.  The fact that I isolate myself so much doesn't help much but I do what I can, when I can.


  1. I have watched my wife battle depression for thirty-two years. Mental illness is, if you think about it, really a physical illness in that the body's chemistry is out of balance. I believe we shoild speak of depression in this manner because of the stigma placed on it. Most people could more readily understand your struggle if they understood the underlying causes are not usually Freudian. Good luck and I pray you may find peace.

  2. wishing you a happy birthday Jojesek, hugs, Med x