Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A counter to yesterday

Sorry about yesterday.  I'm not sure what came over me.  I did go up to bed and not nap so much as doze off a little and slept better last night.  Sometimes when I get overtired the desperation for a normal life settles over me like a wet blanket.  I have trouble breathing, I can't think straight and I see the world through grey colored glasses.  Although I have rose colored glasses, they don't always work and sometimes I don't even want to put them on.  Today I put them on.  Not much has changed except my frame of mind which is often the case whether it's a good day or a bad one.
I took Max for a big long walk this morning and true to form, he rolled in poop and now despite my attempts to clean him up is quite stinky.  I will try again to clean up the spot once he dries off and I can see what I missed.  In the meantime, he's sleeping elsewhere in the house and I'm happy to leave him be.  On second thought, I should go check because he is very likely on the bed - yuck!  I guess I'll be washing bedding today.
I have been trying to get things sorted and organized in the spare room.  I feel more determined than ever to find a way to start experimenting and creating the kind of art I know I'm capable of.  I don't know if, when, where or how I will sell it but I'm trying not to worry about that part until I have enough pieces I'm happy with that I can actually put them out there - on display, for people to see - yikes!  I gotta tell you, a little scary.
I've been thinking about the whole isolation and friends thing.  I recently received a message from someone I went to school with.  He contacted me via facebook and has left a very nice comment on one of my previous posts.  One of the reasons I don't like to go out is that I don't want to run into people I knew "pre-depression".  I was a successful friendly, outgoing person at work; in high school I had big plans for my life none of which came to fruition.  Aside from the illness, I am content with my life but I can't help thinking that people who knew me "before" would judge who I have become.
Today, I am truly grateful for (among other things):
1.  John and D, for their love, encouragement and support.  The good health enjoyed by and the love I receive from my kids and the rest of my family.  And of course, last but not least, my handsome boy Max.
2.  My home which is warm and comfortable.
3.  My pension, though small, and John's willingness to work a second job which has removed the pressure of having to go to work everyday and "make nice".
4.  My t.v. and DVR which provide me with lots of entertainment, education and distraction.
5.   Those of you who read and comment on my blog.  I'm sure it can be tedious to listen to me whine so often but your words of understanding, support and encouragement mean much.
p.s.  no Spanner, that wasn't so hard, in fact it was pretty easy - today - but I will endeavour to find and wear the rose-coloured glasses more frequently!


  1. Don't be sorry about yesterday. I relate to everything you say, particularly when it comes to wanting to be around people but opting for isolation. To tell you the truth, gratitude lists have never worked for me. The only thing that has ever worked is when I somehow get myself out there and into being around others. This is the only time I really feel happy is when I'm with other people but the thing is they have to be the "right" people. So why do I isolate? That's the question.

  2. What a difference a day makes. Try to hold onto the memories of the good days like today when the bad ones, like yesterday, get hold of us.