Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Spillage and Dumping

I had a really great visit with D last week.  Came home Saturday, John was at work. Jess was in her room and didn't bother to come down til 4 hours later.  Derek didn't come home after work to see me.  I've had a headache since.  I think I took my meds twice yesterday (Tues. in the dosette was empty this morning).  Jess appears to have given up on everything except her computer.  She's not going out, not going to school, not looking for work.  I'm seriously contemplating taking her computer away or maybe changing access to our wireless network and not giving her the new password.  The computer was a gift so can I still take it away?  She’s 19 years old and I’m considering taking away privileges.  I don’t know whether to be worried about her or pissed off at her.  Derek lost his I-pod again and I lent him my walkman even though I really want it to walk the dog.  I didn't walk the dog yet today.  I started cleaning up and organizing the spare room so I can use it for my art.  I’m seriously contemplating getting rid of the couch in there, maybe replacing it with a couple of bean bag chairs.  Then I would have room for yoga - ha ha ha - like I'm ever going to get around to doing yoga.  I filled out the application to foster dogs from the Ottawa Humane Society but I haven't mailed it yet and I haven't called my 2nd reference to let him know he might be getting a call.  I got some books out of the library about self-sabotage and motivation but I haven't read any of them yet.  Looks like we are going to have company for Christmas - yay (if you detect some sarcasm there you are probably right).  I’m wondering if paper plates, Styrofoam cups and plastic cutlery would be acceptable.  Max has been licking his paw and ankle all day as if it hurts but I can't see anything.  Did I say that I haven’t walked him yet.  It’s nice and cool outside, there’s snow on the ground and I still haven’t taken him out.  I have no music or radio to listen to while we’re out because I can’t say no to Derek but really, that's no excuse. Max deserves better.
I'm so so so tired of being tired, feeling hurt, having headaches, being fat, having no money, feeling immobilized by what - fear, discouragement, futility, overwhelmation (I don't care it's not a word), fatigue.  I'm sick of not having a car, wanting to cry but knowing that will only make my headache worse, feeling isolated but preferring isolation to the effort required to make and keep friends, feeling aged way beyond my years - plagued by aches and pains all over.  Knowing I'm stuck here because D and John would be devastated to lose me.  I said to D a year ago that sticking around meant I'm the only one that has to suffer and here I am feeling the same way again, not still, but again.  I don't know how much longer "It will get better" is going to matter.   Yes, it does get better but it always gets worse again.  I'm thinking I might have to take more drastic steps.  The only one I can think of is seeing another shrink but it will take so long to get to the top of a waiting list that I will have come full circle again or even a few more times before I ever get there and even then what the hell is another shrink going to do or tell me.  Nothing I don’t already know.  John tells me all the same things a shrink would.  He does so much for me, I can hardly wait till he's home for a month.  Sometimes I wish he would push me more but I know that wold only piss me off because he's the only one who doesn't make me feel guilty or bad about myself and even a gentle push would break me.  Ha, I'm broken already.  Self-help books make it all seem so easy.  I can’t muster up any anger, resolve or determination.  I feel consumed by resentment, self-pity and a kind of self-loathing because I can’t “feel the fear and do it anyway” or “take action now and wait for the motivation to follow.”  I want to sleep until I feel better but even sleep is eluding me now.  I have no escape, no refuge.  If it wasn’t for hangovers I would get pissed.  I don’t know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other but I also don’t know what else to do.  It’s like being on a treadmill that’s going too fast.  Too fast for me to walk comfortably and also too fast for me to just get off but I can’t slow it down or make it stop so I just keep walking and walking even though I’m exhausted and I’m not going anywhere.  I still can’t help feeling like I have to get to the heart of the matter even though my head is telling me there is no heart of the matter, there is no revelation that will make everything better.  I wish I could be happy.  I’m grateful for all that I have and I know that I have a lot to be grateful for.  Much more than a lot of people but gratitude does not equal happiness, it doesn’t create refreshing and restful sleep.  I’m always afraid that John will think if I really loved him enough, I would be happy, that I would recover from this.  Isn’t love and gratitude supposed to make you happy?  I don't know how I could possibly love him more.  I was always able to study or learn my way to success at school and at work but I’m at a loss here. It all seems so simple and still so complicated.  I'm confused because I feel like there will always be a downswing on the horizon but I can't seem to just give up and accept my mental health for what it is.  Every good day creates hope and optimism and every bad day comes with despair and disappointment.
I'm going to try and nap now and hopefully come back and post again with more spillage and dumping but of the positive things.  I know they are there, they're just buried at the moment.  There has to be some way I can shake this off and get moving but I will look for it later.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way.
    1 thing that struck me is that you can't say no to Derek (about the Walkman), but what I think ismthat you should turn it around and say 'yes' to you, even if that means you say no to others. There's nothing wrong with taking care of ourselves. We can't give from empty, which means to me that we need t fill ourselves up first.
    Take care and hugs.