Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A little self-examination

Sometimes I find it hard to write because I feel an obligation to come up with some kind of catchy title and then eloquent prose filled with wisdom and wit.  I often can't and I need to remind myself once again that this is supposed to be for me and if others enjoy it or learn something from it then that's a bonus.

Our foster has a surgery date tomorrow, Wednesday, for his neutering and dental.  If all goes well he will go up for adoption, if not he will come back to us to recover.  I hope he will be fine.  We almost lost him yesterday.  He managed to get the gate open and took off.  I suspect Max followed him but once they got too far away, Max got scared and came home.  Thor didn't.  We called the Humane Society and as my luck would have it, he slipped through a crack somewhere along the way and didn't get chipped before coming to us.  Fortunately a by-law officer found him, picked him up and returned him to the Humane Society where we were able to pick him up and bring him home.  (He was chipped first).  Derek was kind enough to go out and look for him and then to stay with me until my initial wave of anxiety and panic passed.  He went out but said he would stay in our neighborhood and keep an eye out for him.  I knew he was concerned too so when the OHS called to say somebody brought the dog in I called Derek to let him know and I think he was relieved and glad I let him know.

I had a bit of a spill my guts session with John last night.  I try to hold on to things because I don't want John to worry about me.  Yesterday the pressure and anxiety was just too much.  I'm pretty sure he initially thought it was because I felt responsible for losing Thor, which I did, but it was more than that.  The pressure and anxiety have been building up in me for a while.  It's bizarre because I really don't understand people who work long hours, think they can't possibly take holidays because they are the only one who can handle this, or who knows what to do with that.  On the other hand, when I look at my own feelings I tend to think I am responsible for the fact that neither of my kids are graduating on time;  that we don't have the money to make necessary repairs and upgrades to the house (I don't have a job after all), that John has to work a second job, that I waste money on my art stuff (John calls it cheaper than therapy), that Max is a little chubby, that the house isn't clean enough, that the backyard isn't inviting enough for anyone to sit and relax out there, that I clutter up the living room because I shy away from the spare room.  I know this sounds a lot like more whining but it's not really.  It's me telling you how important and powerful I am because I am responsible for all of these things and so much more.  I bet I'm even responsible for the global economic crisis.  As usual after the dump I felt much better, John calmed me down, talked some sense into me and I slept pretty well.  Still didn't wake up "refreshed" (I don't even remember what that's like) but at least I didn't feel as tired as when I lay down last night.

I'm really working on developing the courage to open an etsy shop.  Last night Jessica suggested that she would do it without me knowing and so if people don't like the stuff and don't buy it, I will never know.  She is so kind and sweet and supportive.  Unfortunately I imagine me sending the stuff off and getting negative feedback because it looked better in the picture and once they have it in hand they can see all the mistakes.  The only remedy to that is to let people look and buy in person which means I would have to sit behind a table and listen to peoples' comments and judgments.  OK I know this doesn't sound like I'm working on the whole issue but I really am.  I'm determined to find a way and still committed to selling something to someone other than family.  I am also committing to finishing a few things (if I don't finish them, they can't be judged right?) and spending less time organizing and sorting.

A work in progress all in all but progressing all the same.  I feel like I have been working so hard for so long with precious little to show for it.  I know I have made progress but it's kinda hard to be proud of the fact that I'm still breathing, getting out of bed everyday, walking the dog and doing an okish job of keeping house.  In my early twenties I had so much potential, I think I was smarter then and certainly I was more confident and social.  I think Jessica thinks having kids led me to this but I know for sure this beast called depression and anxiety has been lurking inside me for a long time.  I just didn't know what to call it and it was controllable - what made it spin out of control?  Added responsibilities, hormones, a poisonous work place?  Who knows what triggers these things I just know for sure that even if I had not had kids, it would have happened anyway.


  1. Isn't it awesome to have a person who loves you the way you are?

    He sounds like an amazing person. But don't discount the idea that perhaps he feels that way because YOU are pretty amazing, too.

    I can relate to what you're saying about it all being on you. My family can't help me clean up the clutter (hoard) because they won't do it 'right' (MY WAY).

  2. She, Glad to see you still have your sense of humor...eloguent prose filled with wisdom and wit???? Sad to see that you forgot that you are also responsible for Apollos' eye, Mad Franks banchee screech along with all other manner of problems in my home. (Sounds crazy..Oops I mean sounds insane...Oops, you know what I mean). You did an excellent job raising the children and your children are young adults and make their own decisions about when they choose to graduate. I've seen your crafts and they are not a waste of money, you ARE talented. You are and have always been an extremely smart and capable woman. You are patient and precise, look at your living room wall (shelves). She, you're my best friend and that means the world to me. PS. Glad to hear that Thor is home safe and sound.