Friday, August 3, 2012

I'm still here

Last Wednesday I had lunch at my parents house with my sisters and Jessica.  It was pleasant and then I spent the rest of the week at D's house.  The visit did me a world of good because at her house, I don't have to decide what to eat or when to eat.  I can sleep when I want and however long I want, not that I sleep any more there than at home but there are no responsibilities.  That kind of makes me think that maybe I'm more lazy than depressed but at the same time, if I weren't depressed the decisions and responsibilities probably wouldn't seem so overwhelming.
Our foster dog escaped our backyard again and I felt terrible about it.  He was returned to the Humane Society the same night but they didn't even call us until after 10:00 a.m. the next day.  The woman at the foster desk made me feel even worse about it and I got the definite impression that she didn't want us to come and get him again.  Between the way I've been feeling already, the lateness of the call back and the general tone she had when I asked when we could come and get him made me crumble.  I wanted to return his leash and food and tell them to take me off the foster parent list.  When we got to the Humane Society, I couldn't face them so John went in.  The woman at the desk said she did not mean to give that impression at all and of course we could bring him "home" until Saturday when he should be good to go up for adoption.  We brought him home of course but I still can't help feeling like a bit of a failure in the foster mom department.  Now, because I don't know how he got out of the backyard, I won't let him out unless I go with him.
This along with seeing D's beautiful new deck has caused me to examine our backyard with a much more critical eye.  It never bothered me before because I'm not an outdoorsy type.   I have no desire to lie in the sun. Now I'm thinking a bit of a sunshade, even a patio umbrella and some way to kill the damn weeds that come up between the patio stones and I might be able to sit and read or stitch out there.  Of course the patio stones are all lumpy and tippy too.  I'm not sure anything would change me or my attitude about sitting outside, but I do feel a little jealous of D's deck with it's two levels, lounge chairs, sitting area, eating area, BBQ and fire pit.  There's also pretty much always some part of it in the shade.  In particular though, she has two propane fire things.  I'm not sure exactly what you call them, but they look kind of like terra cotta vases about two and a half feet tall and maybe a foot in diameter with a layer of lava rocks at the top.  When you turn them on, it's like a little fire place/light/heater.  It's not a single flame like a candle, but a dancing flame that covers the top, positively mesmerizing without having to add wood, stir coals, worry about sparks etc.  I'm definitely going to get me one of those some day.

Anyway... John has continued to be my rock and support.  He has continued to walk the dogs before work because it's so damn hot outside, he forced me into buying new running shoes (that's a whole other story), and just always does and says everything he can to support me, boost me up and encourage me all without ever making me feel like he's pushing me or like he expects more.  I really do my best and for the most part I feel like he is the only one who knows I'm trying and doesn't make me feel like I'm not trying hard enough or that I should be doing things differently. 

That's it for now.  Pictures next time, I promise.


  1. Hi,

    As you know I foster too, not for the humane society but for the Cat Rescue Network. Over the years I have had some escapees. I always eventually found them and I always felt horrible after it happened. It's part of pet ownership and fostering so don't beat yourself up about it.

    Oh and coming from another with depression (etc etc etc) you are not lazy, you are just easier to overwhelm because of the depression. I am spending a fortune on ready made food....

    As always, hang in there.