Friday, April 5, 2013

About those insights....

I rarely feel the need or desire to have friends.  When I am with others, I do ok but it is a rare occasion that I think to myself "I wish I had someone I could call up just to hang out."  Does it have to be some sort of fault or insecurity that prevents me from "going out there"?  The fact of the matter is that I'm a loner, homebody, but not in a creepy way.  I sometimes prefer my own company, I prefer solitary pursuits.  Do I need to create some sort of personality flaw or mental illness to explain it.  No.  About being likeable and stuff, I've never run into anyone that actively disliked me, at least not enough that they felt compelled to say something or show their dislike, at least not that I can remember so that's just stupid.  Maybe changing my demeanor, my tone, my topics of conversation etc., depending on who I'm with really is just the way I am.  Maybe I'm not "changing myself to suit who I'm talking to".  I'm just trying to be sensitive to the person or group I happen to be talking to at any particular time, there's nothing wrong with that.  I really am just being myself.

Past mistakes are just that - past.  I can't change them and I can't fix them now.  What I can do is move forward try not to make the same ones again and forgive myself for them - I'm pretty sure everyone else has.

I'm not sure that I think it's better for someone to be angry with me or for them to think I'm angry with them than for them to feel hurt so much as it's a pain in the ass for me to try and soothe those hurt feelings.  I need to start letting others take responsibility for their own feelings and not imagine that my honesty or opinion has so much power over others.

"Brene Brown (author of the perfectionism book) Guilt = I did something bad; Shame= I am bad.  Me - I did so many bad things directly, indirectly or by doing nothing at all = I am bad."  I may feel this way and it may even be true, but that doesn't mean that it is my future or that it represents everything I am and will be.

I keep thinking about going back to therapy because I see a therapist as someone who has to listen, can't judge (at least not out loud), offer advice and doesn't call me with their problems.  That's what this blog and those of you who still read it are for.  I express myself more clearly in writing and if one of you asks for advice or makes a comment I can answer but there is no expectation of an immediate response.

Perfectionism is just an excuse to procrastinate or to not follow through.  I can (and am learning to) accept that less than perfect results can be good enough and that I don't need someone else to praise my accomplishments or  buy my creations or even notice what I've done to be satisfied with them.  Each thing I make, I do a better job than the last time and if I have a few throwbacks or disasters, I can chalk it up to experience and try again.  Because I don't necessarily accept praise at face value it's possible I did receive praise for all sorts of things my whole life and just discarded it. 

The more crochet books I look at the more imperfect pieces I see - and they are in published books!  My imperfect pieces are good enough - maybe.

Although I am not "earning" a living I do keep the house running.  People ask me when they are looking for something, they ask my advice and they do listen to me.  The fact that the kids' lives don't revolve around me and my illness and my insecurities does not mean they don't care about me.  I don't need them to notice and thank me every time I do something, I do get pleasure out of doing things for my family and I do get satisfaction from a clean bathroom or a tidy kitchen even if it's not spotless.  It absolutely is impossible to keep the house spotless all the time and if something gets so far out of hand dirty or messy that it bothers someone else, they can clean it.  If people who come in to my house think it's too messy or dirty they can not come in or better yet they can help me do my housework.

When the kids were little the chaos created a loss of the control I had over my life.  That loss of control created anxiety which led to depression and feelings of inadequacy as a parent.  These created further loss of control by eroding my confidence and causing some paralysis.  That led to the perpetual downward spiral whenever something bad (i.e. something I can't control) happens. -  Shit happens.  As John always says I did what I could, I still do what I can and if that's not everything I want to get done, that's ok.  It doesn't make me lazy, inadequate or incapable; it makes me someone who would rather do something else or someone who procrastinates, isn't that pretty much everyone.

Sure I would like to control what happens to me and my family but I can't and so far I have weathered some pretty bad things.  More bad things will probably happen, some could even be really bad, but I will survive.

Suffice to say I think I'm missing the whole point of being in the moment.  It's not to ruminate on past, present and future circumstances, it's to appreciate this moment.

I like getting attention.  That's not a crime, in fact I think it's human nature.


  1. Much of what you have written echo my feelings. Your first paragraph especially.I do not have the perfectionist gene. I would be happy to just have some motivation. But please do your best to be pleased with what you do. Living in the moment is the best way to be. Blessings.

  2. Not wanting friends, past mistakes and learning to accept things when they are good and not always perfect. To my mind shows someone who understands herself and is in control of herself.
    I would disagree with "more bad things will happen" Think that way and you won't disappoint yourself. Think good things and there's a good chance, good things will happen and if they don't? Well take control and don't let it happen again.